Better Know a Regional Opponent: The High Point University Sex Panthers

High Point is the #4 seed in the Clemson Region, so things would either have to go historically well for HPU against Clemson on Friday or horrifically bad for the Diamond Dores against Coastal Cackalacky for us to even play this team once... so let’s get to know way too much about them!

The School: High Point University. Formerly known as High Point College from being founded in 1924 until they changed the name to its current form in 1991, presumably because the 1990s Methodists reasoned the silly part of their name was “College,” and not “High Point.” Talk to the hand because the face ain’t listening. Puh-lease. As if. Could I be any more college in the 90s? Latin Motto: Nil Sine Numine—literally translated “Nothing Without The Power” because they were huge fans of the 90s Jock Jam rap band “SNAP!”

Hey, it’s the 90s.

Location: High Point, North Carolina. That’s probably where they got their name, then.

If you Google the city, it tells you this:

Put glue on your pizza. I am an AI chatbot.

Then, if you peruse the Wikipedia entry, you get this:

High Point is a city in the Piedmont Triad region of the U.S. state of North Carolina. Most of the city is in Guilford County, with parts extending into Randolph, Davidson, and Forsyth counties. High Point is North Carolina’s only city that extends into four counties. As of the 2020 census the city had a total population of 114,059.[10] High Point is the ninth-most populous in North Carolina, the third-largest municipality in the Piedmont Triad, and the 259th-most populous city in the U.S.

Major industries in High Point include furniture, textiles, and bus manufacturing. The city’s official slogan is “North Carolina’s International City” due to the semi-annual High Point Furniture Market that attracts 100,000 exhibitors and buyers from around the world.

Hmm... a mountain town overcome by Piedmont-based Chinese mobsters who have taken control over the industries of furniture, textiles, and bus manufacturing. Sounds quaint.

The Mascot: Prowler the Panther. Well, if you don’t think a Sex Panther named Prowler is creepy as all get-out, go ahead and book “Prowler” to visit your school, business, organization and/or deviant furry convention. *Cough, cough, Parlagi, I’m looking at you...

‘24 Record: 34-25 (17-7 Big South).

How’d they get here? HPU won their conference tournament, sweeping through the University of South Cackalacky-Upstate Fightin’ Upstarts and the Charleston Southern University Charleston Chews (they beat the former again 6-0 in the title game). A four team conference tournament? Egads.

Best win: They took 1 of 3 from Ole Piss in the 2nd week of the season. It was game one, which is mildly impressive. However, they would then lose 2-12 and 2-25 in the following two games, which... Stop, they’re already dead. Other than that, HPU’s best series win was probably taking 2 of 3 from Rutgers at home. They beat up on a lot of Big South teams, too, but if you want me to spend a lot of time dissecting wins over Longwood or some shit, well, no. Just no.

Worst loss: They lost 3 of 4 games to UMASS-Lowell to open the season, and after we poached The Humphrey Dance from their ‘23 squad, all that was left was the mess he made in that Burger King bathroom.

Player to Watch: #6 Grad IF Cael “Leafy Green” Chatham (.314/.449/.623 with 15 2B, 1 3B, 17 HR, and 54 RBI). Prior to this transfer season at HPU, Leafy Green spent four years at LaGrange College. A-haw, haw, haw, haw. Also, keep an eye out for #13 So. OF Oliver “The Dealer” Cush, as though he only has 6 ABs and a .167 avg on the year, he puts the High in High Point.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #26 Sr. RHP Gus “Pride of Gaston Community College” Hughes (6-4; 3.86 ERA; 9.78 K/9). Gus is their Ace, so even though I don’t expect to play High Point, I especially don’t expect to see Gus Hughes, as I will be shocked if he doesn’t pitch against Clemson. He’s the reason they might have a shot at a Friday upset, as no one pitches like Gaston, no one bitches like Gaston, no one has a small cleft in his (oh, don’t act like you don’t know the rest of the song).

Best NCAA Tournament result: Well, this is their first ever NCAA Tournament bid, so, uhh...

Should Vanderbilt be scared? No. Unless Gaston leads us to that hideous beast who lives out in the woods... and even then, no.