Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Như Quỳnh’s “Duyên Phận (Thái Thịnh)” won the Parlagi-breaking country of Vietnam. Those are all human words.

While Parlagi messes around with his self-created XYZ Affair (have to assume it’s both the historical reference, and he just noticed his fly has been down all day), I’ve been home sick with Covid. It sucks. Don’t get any of this guy’s infections.

Luckily, it sucks much less than the first time I got it, in 2020, before the vaccine came out, and I nearly died. That was months of horror; this is just a long weekend of flu-ey bullshit. Hooray science. Boo death.

Photo by Camilo Freedman/SOPA Images/LightRocket via Getty Images

So today, let’s to the land of that poet who told us to “Rage, rage against the dying of the light,” i.e. tell Death to fuck right off: Wales.

Speaking of Wales, now is probably the height of America’s knowledge of said country’s existence. Oh, and even though it is not a sovereign nation, it’s is a country. Further, it is known as a “constituent country,” as it has its own government, national identify, and whatever the fuck you’d call this language that is just druids summoning dragons and/or someone choking on clotted cream:

Further, now is likely the best time to mention this land of dragons, Rob Brydon, and failing soccer teams bought by Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the Deadpool guy constantly trying to sell us cheap cell phone plans... you know, because America now knows of said failing soccer teams bought by Mac from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia and the Deadpool guy constantly trying to sell us cheap cell phone plans, and finds it all quite charming.

Oh shit, I’m supposed to have given you four songs by now...

The Songs

1) Tom Jones - “She’s a Lady”

Whereas brothers Ray and Dave Davies were sired by a Welshman, they were born in England, so their version of this song was... less than certain she was, in fact, a lady. Tom Jones—now Sir Thomas Jones Woodward—has no such doubt. In fact, she’s got style, she’s got grace, she’s a “weiner.” Wait... was that Tom Jones’ Welsh accent peaking out whilst trying to say “winner,” or are all Welsh encounter’s with the fairer sex Lola-esque lessons in bar-room confusion?

Let’s consider more lyrics:

Well, she knows what I’m about

She can take what I dish out, and that’s not easy

Well, she knows me through and through

And she knows just what to do, and how to please me

Huh. That... umm... doesn’t sound like my relationships with women. In fact, it seems more like a role reversal, to be honest. I’m constantly the one who just has to take whatever emotional nonsense they throw at me—case in point, more than one woman has woken up angry at me because I was mean to her in a dream—whereas I am frighteningly easy to take. Further, on the “she knows what I’m about” front... very few of them feared Voockyteps, praised Pinman, or actively wished to bring back the Vanderbunt—and not a one has ever brought up how Jeff Green traveled (and more than a few of the women I dated in my 20s went to Vanderbilt).

*Note that both women referenced above agreed that I am never mean to them in my waking life, yet still wanted actual me to apologize for their dream version of me, who is apparently a bit of a dick.

Hmm. Well, though the protagonist of that The Kinks song is full-well aware Lola is not a cisgender woman, and is totally cool with it, I’m starting to think Tom Jones, to quote the immortal Bard, “doth protest too much.”

Check out the rest of the song’s lyrics from this point forward:

She’s a lady

Whoa, whoa, whoa she’s a lady (na, na, na, na)

Talkin’ about that little lady (ooh-ooh-ooh)

And the lady is mine

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Oh, oh, oh, she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Listen to me people, she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Hey, hey, hey, hey, she’s a lady

Whoa, whoa, whoa, she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Talkin’ about the little lady (she’s a lady la-la-la-la-la)

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she’s a lady (la-la-la-la-la)

Oh, oh, oh, she’s a lady

I can’t live without my little lady

Oh, oh, oh, she’s a lady

Yeah... no one needs to say it that much. This heavily implies a one-sided conversation with the second person just staring at him in disbelief, or perhaps shaking his head from time to time. Who, exactly, are you trying to convince here, Tom Jones? Project much?

Yeah, Lola’s just the far superior song on this topic. Well done, Davies brothers.

*Side note: I considered “It’s Not Unusual,” “Sexbomb,” and “What’s New, Pussycat?” but “She’s a Lady” is the superior song of the Tom Jones mega-hits. Fight me.

2) Bonnie Tyler - Total Eclipse of the Heart (Turn Around)

Did you know Bonnie Tyler was Welsh? No, no you did not. I bet her actual name is probably something like Bonnie Tyllanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogocher and the studio execs just de-welshed it for commercial profit.

Anyway, it turns out she is. That’s all I have to say about this song without invoking the film Old School.

I don’t much care for this song. Regardless, the ghost of Nifae Lealao said “We wan’t Bama (A&M),” and if we win tonight, we’re going streaking!

3) Dafydd Y Garreg Wen (David of the White Rock)

Oh, so you didn’t think Wales knew how to harp operatic hymns? Well, I can assure you, Mae Cymru’n gwybod sut i delynu emynau operatig.

Okay, I hate this one, too. I better get to finding actual good ones, or Tom Jones is going to win this thing, isn’t he?

4) “Sosban Fach”

Oh fuck yes. Those ancient Outer Mongolians came to Wales to hunt dragons and echanged their demonic throat yodeling for melodic church bangers!

That little soldier’s shirt tail is hanging out and the sauce pan is boiling on the floor and the cat scratched little Johnny and... wait, what? What the hell are these old Welsh weirdos going on about?

Dear Lord, and here we were thinking Rob Brydon was the weirdest little guy the Welsh had to offer us.

In closing: Hey!

5) “Yma o Hyd”

Okay, this one’s actually good. Vote for this one. Despite all the jokes made at their expense, as this traditional Welsh folk song from, well, I guess the year 383 AD, reminds us, they’re still here.

And there’s a lot to say about that. Whereas Michael McDonald yamo be there, Welsh Michael McDonald, “despite everyone and everything, yma o hyd.”

Fuck yeah, you are.

Honorable Mention

Meic Stevens - “Dic Penderyn”

Vote in the Poll

Up Next... Three Posts of Wild Card Songs Given a Second Chance in the Tournament.

As Homer Simpson reminds Apu, “Democracy doesn’t work!” Well, you crumb bums got it wrong on more than a few of these countries, and parlagi and I will comb over all 90 some odd rejects for the true AoG classics and put them back in the contest. Not even sure if we’ll give you the chance to vote on them, as you were wrong the first time. Dear God, even “Cabdoo 2” is sitting on the cutting room floor right now.

Anyway, we’ve got 29 songs in the “World” side of the bracket, and we need three more. Maybe we pick 6 total and have them battle against one another “play-in round” style to make the field of 32? (Yeah, that’s definitely what we’re going to do.)

After that, we head home to the good ol’ US of A and decide the 32 states worthy of entrance into our “America” side of the song bracket. Good fucking luck, East Dakota.

Yeah, this contest is just beginning...