Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Naser Mestarihi’s “Animal” won Qatar, which, honestly, was probably the right choice, as it was the only Qatari song Parlagi gave you that did not suck. Of course, “Jozin z Bazin” was by far the best song of the four, but I will not fight with you Anchor of Gold Music Contest Purists on the fact that wherever that gem is from, it is most certainly not Qatar.

Today, we take a trip to the land of the Wampyr, former NPR commenter Andrei Codrescu, and where the movie Borat was filmed.

Though many think of it only as a former Soviet Block country, those people are dipshits. It also has sheep.

Anyway...

1) Alexandra Stan - “Mr. Saxobeat”

Let’s be honest... this is probably the only Romanian song you know, as it played constantly at the gym for about 5 years straight starting a little over a decade ago. Then, one time, your eyes drifted from SportsCenter over to the music video, and you fell off the treadmill.

This is a universal experience.

The lyrics are... terrible. Here are pretty much all of them:

You make me dance, bring me up, bring me down

Play it sweet, make me move like a freak, Mr. Saxobeat

Makes me dance, brings me up, brings me down

Plays it sweet, makes me move like a freak, Mr. Saxobeat

Oh-oh-oh-oh, yeah, mm-yeah, mm-yeah, mm-mm-yeah

Oh-oh, yeah, mm-yeah, mm-yeah, mm-mm-yeah

Oh, yeah, mm-yeah, mm-yeah, mm-mm-yeah

Oh-oh, yeah, mm-yeah, mm-yeah, mm-mm-yeah

Mr. Saxobeat

The lyrics were not the reason you fell off the treadmill. You know, similar to how all of the men reading this can sing Shakira’s “Hips Don’t Lie” from memory. In perfect pitch.

Oh, and you definitely have scrolled back up to watch the video again and are no longer reading what I write about the song.

The good news is, based on the video, you might actually be able to pull Alexandra Stan, as all Romanian men are... hideous. Just hideous. It’s like when I went to LSU for grad school and automatically had precisely zero trouble dating women way out of my league. As a friend once put it, I was a Nashville 6, but a Louisiana 8. I need to move to Romania. Do Romanians have a need for someone to come up with humorous nicknames for Vanderbilt athletes? Because that I can do. Quick, someone find a hot Romanian woman and see if she laughs at “Turd Ferguson.”

I’ll wait.

Much of what I have written may be in poor taste, but again, exactly 0% of you are reading this far. Many of you are watching the video for the 5th time by now. Some of you have brought the laptop into the bathroom and are fending off questions from your significant others about why you have been in the bathroom playing that one song from the gym about a decade ago. You are fending them off quite poorly. Many of you have yelled, “Can’t a man poop in peace?!” Others, “I’m not in here!” At least one of you has gone with this canard:

Okay, maybe that one was just me. In fairness, Tom has done nothing but watch this video since Romania was announced as an option for the letter R. His children probably need to be fed at some point. Tom’s wife, get on that.

Alexandra Stan is very attractive, I’m saying.

2) Haiducească - “The Outlawry Song”

I don’t know. This one’s about windmills or some shit. There appears to be a flute. It’s no Jethro Tull, but it is frighteningly depressing.

The youtube caption said: “Haiducească” performed at shepherd’s pipe (“caval”) duo. Romanian traditional folk song from Moldova, Basarabia area.

Yes, Moldova is an entirely different country now. I assume it wasn’t back when everyone was under constant threat of attack from the Wampyr.

3) Otilia - “Bilionera”

Speaking of impossibly gorgeous women and/or Shakira, according to Google, this is the most popular Romanian song of all time. It appears to be in Spanish. Then English. Then back to Spanish. You will likely forget this fact about ten seconds in, as that is, if I am not mistaken, a nip-slip.

*Note: Andrew was not, in fact, mistaken.

Anyway, this is reggaetón crap. Do what you want, but if you’re going to vote for the “hot girl pop song in a language other than the native tongue,” you might as well just break out that saxophone and seduce Alexandra Stan.

At least Alexandra Stan found backup dancers that didn’t suck.

Yeah, this song is torture.

4) Ivan Mladek - “Jozin z Bazin”

Oh go to hell. No one knows which Eastern Block country these people are from, so it might as well be Romania. We’re getting this in the contest if it’s the last thing I do. It’s the best thing ever. Fight me.

Honorable Mention

King Luan - “No Vampires Remain in Romania”

Oh fuck you. You knew it was going to happen.

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