Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Chopin won a very close three-way vote for Poland, although with a whole 5 votes. (Insert 8 paragraphs about sample sizes and sabermetrics. Better yet, don’t.)

Andrew only gave you the choice to vote between Qatar and Qajar Iran, which is sort of like letting you coach the 2001 Dallas Cowboys, and pick between Quincy Carter and Ryan Leaf at QB. (Fun fact: Joey Galloway passed for -1 yard and led the team in QB rating. I digress.)

The Songs

1) زجل لبناني, حفلة الكويت - طليع حمدان - نسرين

الله

I can’t tell if this is from Qatar or not, and frankly I don’t care. The playlist said Qatar, but the translated title referenced Lebanon and Kuwait. It’s good enough for me, because all of this droning sounds identical. Apparently this is a form of al-’ardah, the traditional form of Qatari and Arabian pearl diver wailing. It’s no fijiri.

The copied and pasted Arabic text broke my cursor, so that was different and vaguely amusing. The repeated crowd shots of people who look even less enthused than me about listening to this were also vaguely amusing. Presumably their applause are because it’s over.

Yeah, I can’t do three more tracks of pearl diver wailing. Let’s what else we can unearth.

*Andrew’s Note: Looks like it translates to “Lebanese Zajal, Kuwait Party - Talia Hamdan - Nisreen God,“ which is certainly a collection of words.

2.) Naser Mestarihi - Animal

Qatari hair rock! I don’t even know how to feel about this existing. Apparently he’s got multiple sclerosis as well, so credit to him for finding a way to do what he enjoys. And the album art is pretty impressive.

Honest to God, this wouldn’t even be out of place on Sirius XM’s Hair Nation station. It’s the Krokus of Qatar. Unlike this next lunatic:

3.) Aslom Ullah - I Feel So Qatari

Oh. Oh my. Oh God. I thought this would be a parody, but no. This guy has an entire channel of this nonsense. Qatar-flavored covers of Miley Cyrus, Aerosmith, and Kenny Loggins? Check, check, and check.

Somehow this has 112,000 subscribers, and I’m guessing they were acquired the same way that Qatar acquired the World Cup. Fine, let’s pretend they also “acquired” a fourth entry that’s worth your vote.

*Andrew’s Note: Before I hit play, my brain sung that title like Rod Stewart. Then I hit play, and brother, this is no Rod Stewart.

4.) Ivan Mladek - Jozin z Bazin

Please vote for this, and thank you. (And that’s how we get Jozin z Bazin in the contest, Andrew.)

*Andrew’s Note: YES!

Honorable Mention

1980s WWF - Fabulous Rougeau Brothers (w/Jimmy Hart)

Consider this a protest of Quebec and the Qing Empire’s omission.

“We don’t like heavy metal, we don’t like rock and roll, all we like to listen to is Barry Manilow” is the greatest lyric in history, and La Bombe de Rougeaux to anyone who disagrees. (It will get a two-count, unless you’re one of those pasty losers in singlets who never won.)

Vote in the Poll

Up Next

*Andrew’s Note: No Republic of Genoa? Oh this Pro-Napoleon discourse has gotten out of control...