Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Today, we take an Eastern European excursion to Poland. No songs about potatoes! Or turnips. Or rutabagas. I tried to combine this Polish entry with the Lithuanian entry and recreate the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth, but the Habsburg monarchy kept stealing my keyboard every time.

The Songs

1) Chopin - “Heroic” Polonaise in A Flat

I can hear all you nerds right now. “Derp derp derp, I wanted Fantastie Impromptu! I wanted Nocturne in E-flat! I wanted Minute Waltz!” Shut up, all of you. “I wanted the Revolutionary Etude!” I SAID ALL OF YOU. SILENCE.

Parisian high society had a proto-AOG Teen Girl Squad showing up at his place to hear him play and use the fainting couch. And then because life in the 19th Century sucked, he died at age 39 of tuberculosis.

What do you want me to say about this that hasn’t been said by 200 years’ worth of music critics? It’s Chopin. It’s the friggin’ Heroic Polonaise. Good stuff.

He also gave us one of Looney Toons’ classic moments. So here you go: Mynoot Waltz, by Choppin’.

No, you can’t a write-in vote for it. Or maybe you can, I don’t know. I don’t make the rules.

2.) Polish Cow

This is really titled “Gdzie jest biały węgorz? (Zejście)” by Cypis, but you don’t care. It’s the Polish Cow meme and that’s all anyone cares about, including me.

There’s no reason to type anything else, because seriously, Polish Cow meme. But as long as we’re watching fever dreams:

3.) Kayah & Goran Bregović - Prawy Do Lewego

This is supposed to skip to a minute in. If it doesn’t, use that time to close your browser and go do something else with your life.

But once you’re a minute in: ENGAGE SENSORY ASSAULT. This is 4 straight minutes of having your ears bludgeoned while the singer’s crazy eyes stare straight into your soul. The clip at 4:15 is the last thing you see before you die. What did any of us do to deserve this?

The chorus seems to translate roughly as “drink all the booze,” which yeah. I cannot possibly imagine how many times this has been played at Polish wedding receptions.

I do enjoy the video ending, where the boat just floats on over the waterfall, like the Road Runner zooming between two cliffs without looking down. (And yes, that’s two Looney Toons references in one article.) I also enjoy the video ending, because it ends.

4.) K.A.S.A. - Piękniejsza

Check out that Opel convertible! And that redhead, who’s infinitely less terrifying than Kayah’s soul stare. Google tells me the title translates as “More Beautiful,” and yes. Yes indeed.

This is exactly the sort of thing I’d listen to a couple of times, like it well enough, and promptly forget about until a decade later at 2:00 in the morning. And to be honest, that’s exactly how it wound up as an entry. Yeah, I know it won’t win. It’s fine.

What’s interesting to me, and no one else, is that this (apparently) came out in 2008. For reference, that’s the same year Lady Gaga released The Fame and Taylor Swift released Fearless. And having listened to it again, I honestly don’t know WHAT year I’d think this was released, but it wouldn’t have been 2008.

I’m pretty sure you can’t cast a write-in vote for Tay-Tay now either.

Honorable Mentions

Ivan Mladek - Jozin z Bazin

This was my immediate reaction for the #1 entry, but sadly it’s Czech. It’s still the best thing you’ll see all week.

And since Papua New Guinea led most of the way before Poland overtook it at the end, here’s a few selections from their country:

Four Minutes of Terrifying Papua New Guinean Screaming

Bougainville Bamboo Band Concert

This is one of the most oddly wholesome things I’ve ever seen. It’s honestly kind of exhausting just watching them play. They’re really good!

Pomlontis Bamboo Band - Final Countdown

We’re headed for Venus. (Venus.)

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