That’s right, I’m bringing it back!

Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Today, we travel to the land of Coliseums, Aqueducts, and Bunga Bunga Parties. A land rich in wine, food, history, and histories involving wine and food. Opera aside, Italy isn’t exactly known for their music—I know, that’s a little like saying, “La Cosa Nostra aside, Italy isn’t exactly known for their organized crime,” but I don’t want to listen to opera today.

Instead... we’re doing songs to fuck to. Because, again, this is Italy. They reelected the Bunga Bunga parties guy, after all.

The Songs

1) Adriano Celentano - “L’Unica Chance”

What can you say about Adriano Celentano that hasn’t been said by the Russ Hanneman character in Silicon Valley?

Celentano’s sex appeal is akin to why your lady gets a thunder going in her down under when she sees Jeff Goldblum come on the screen. I don’t think men are supposed to understand it.

Okay, maybe we get it a bit.

Regardless, with lyrics like, “Non c’è scampo ormai per noi è inquinato anche il menù/Non c’è niente che puoi bere solo l’acqua della pioggia” (loosely translated, “There’s no escape now for us, even the menu is polluted/There is nothing you can drink, only rain water“), Celentano proves that sometimes, the words don’t matter. Just lay a funky beat, dance confidently, and yeah...

Of course, Celentano is no stranger to nonsensical lyrics... which brings us to #2 on the list:

2) Adriano Celentano - “Prisencolinensinainciusol”

Why is it age restricted, you ask? Don’t make me bring back Russ Hanneman. Here’s a non-age restricted version in tweet form for you youngins:

And yeah, that tweet pretty much sums up the brilliance of Celentano. Beyond the fact that the song (lyrics excluded) is 100% a banger, the lyrical component is basically a social experiment on Italian audiences... that worked. The equation was basically this:

1. Collect American English sounding nonsense syllables.
2. ????????????
3. Profit.

3) Tony Renis - “Quando, Quando, Quando”

If you have an Italian grandmother, you likely know this by heart. For you non-Italian scum—no, you just-a the scum compare-a to Krusty!—the title just means, “When, When, When,” and the song is about a young man in love wondering, basically, “Tell me when will you be mine? Tell me when, when, when?”

It might read more as sweet and innocent to you, but to grandma? She wants to bang one out right now.

*Note: It took all that I have not to type “Tony Penis.” I don’t believe Italy has a South Cackalacky.

4) Marco Mengoni - “Due Vite”

Have to give you at least one Eurovision song, right? Here’s this year’s. It’s... fine. She’ll probably want to fuck to it, even if it’s basically the musical equivalent of having to say, “I don’t know... this has never happened to me before.”

Just have to power through, boys. It’s working on her.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Up Next

*Bonus Song for you sex weirdos out there.

Theatres des Vampires - “Carmilla”

Italian Vampire Goth Metal? Italian Vampire Goth Metal.

Why? Because you fuckers loved when I did Finland.