Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Up next, you chose the Baltic country of Lithuania over the Baltic country of Latvia. There will be no yurts or Fat Kablobs this time, you monsters.

The Songs

1) Saulius Prūsaitis - 39

No real idea what’s going on here exactly, but there’s a bunch of colors and bright sparkly things. There may have been a song at some point. Anyway, sparkles.

I think it’s named “39” because it’s about a Lithuanian cougar having another birthday. No, it’s none of your business how long she’s been 39 years old. Shame on you. Buy her a drink, you’ve got nothing better to do than read this. I speak exactly zero words of Lithuanian.

(Yes, I know that’s a Ukrainian flag in the splash image. If anyone’s going to show solidarity with Ukraine, it’s Lithuania, but you knew that.)

2) Ugniavijas - Milžinų Kapai

You know the old guys that are in every church, and have the deep booming voice like Tennessee Ernie Ford? Right, this is them singing Lithuanian warrior chants instead of Rock of Ages. But the real stars here are the song’s lyrics. And it’s about fighting Prussia, who may or may not be included for P. (Please vote for the Ottoman Empire for O.)

“Bearded Lithuanians are contemplating, sharpening their axes and piercing swords.” This is the greatest translation of anything that ever existed.

“Forests are confusing.” You know what, we have a new contender.

“There were hundreds of bodies, strangely mangled. They rested there for a long time.” Hail Pinman.

3) Studentai - Tu Buciavai

We start off with appears to be a sound clip from early 2000s spyware and Internet scourge Bonzi Buddy. I checked multiple YouTube uploads, and they all had it, so I’m just going to say Bonzi Buddy really is part of the song. (This also raises the question of why this song has multiple YouTube uploads, but never mind that.)

Then there was an accordion solo, the most generic Eurodance drumbeat possible, and annoyingly upbeat lyrics. Apparently “tu buciavai” must mean “the kitchen sink,” because that’s the only reason any of these elements should be in the same song.

This is exactly what I imagine plays in the Lithuanian equivalent of Kohl’s stores.

4) Monika Linkytė - Po dangum

Po dangum sounds like a mild epithet from the particularly frightening areas of Appalachia. “Po dangum Bubba, possums done eat up the coal mine again!” Or maybe a term of endearment. “Hoowee Betsy, our li’l po dangum Matilda got born with six toes!”

Oh, the song. I guess Monika Linkytė is the Lithuanian Ava Max or something. She performed Lithuania’s Eurovision entry this year, and came in 11th, which is fine. This song is fine. Everything is fine.

Honorable Mention

LT United - We Are the Winners (of Eurovision)

Speaking of Eurovision: Back in 2006, apparently Lithuania couldn’t come up with an actual entry worth sending. Granted, that’s never stopped like 95% of entries from going anyway, but Lithuania decided to take it in a different direction and troll the entire continent.

This nonsense finished in 6th place, and is still Lithuania’s best-ever finish at Eurovision. Well done, everybody. Po dangum.

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