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Let’s Get Weird—All World All Time Best Song Competition: Kyrgystan

Fuck you for making me listen to this.

95th anniversary of the Kyrgyz writer Chingiz Aitmatov in Bishkek Photo by Igor Kovalenko/Anadolu Agency via Getty Images

Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Today, we travel to Kyrgystan—where the pointless brutality of Russia meets the yak farming brutality of the desolate yurt part of Asia. The music reflects this. Quite literally all of these songs are terrible. Some of them seem to be in favor of murder. After listening to them, I, too, am in favor of murdering everyone involved with this.

The Songs

1) Ринат Кадыров - Ыйладын неге? / Жаны клип 2020

I don’t know what Phnhat KaAblPoB means, but this singer fully embodies it, as he is a Fat Kablob (how I read this nonsense phonetically). The best I can piece together, this song is about a toad who wished to be a real boy who takes a hot asian girl to the airport and then sings about it. People who speak whatever moon language this is... feel free to confirm.

Nearly all of it is the toad-made-man playing acoustic guitar in front of some sort of spinning quilt backdrop, and then it cuts to the hot girl looking vacantly at her phone. As someone thrown back on the dating scene against my will, I have never felt more seen.

Also, I think one of the toads murders his twin.

2) Элдос Алмаз - Куткон кун келди / Жаны клип 2019

Now I’m pretty sure this one is an admission of murder. Songs which are effectively a confession of murder may well be common in this Russo-Asian fuck-portal to hell. Impossible to know.

It appears to open with a rat-bearded shit covering the eyes of an impossibly out of his league woman, and then revealing he’s murdered the last woman he brought to this yak herding hell hole sex trafficking mansion (or maybe they have oil there, or drugs?), as if to say, “Because of the implication...” like Dennis from It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia. Then the rest of it seems to feature a woman who was sex trafficked being fed soup by her assailant? Then they make a yak stew together whilst laughing? Then more sexual assault and/or murder? All sung by Kyrgystani Harold from Harold and Kumar? Am I getting this right?

No idea who this singer and/or band is, either, but I see a 3 in the title, so let’s call them Kyrgystani 3rd Eye Blind. I wish they would step back from that ledge, my friend... except I don’t. They murder women. I will not understand.

3) Эрлан Андашев - Суйбос болдум / Жаны клип 2019

Is this the same dude as song #2? The 2nd word is not exactly the same, so... the fuck? Let’s call this Krygystani 311, then watch the video to see if they come original.

Ladies and gentlemen, they did not.

This, too, seems to be about sex trafficking and murder. Also, the guy is either the same guy, or we just have to admit all Kyrgustani men are clearly clones.

Anyway, this one seems to be about a crazy man beating a pregnant woman while a pinstriped tuxedo man in a fancy car comes out in her vulnerable moment to, I don’t know, sex traffic her, whilst his mother looks at all of this disapprovingly?

Or maybe it’s more domestic slavery than sex trafficking, as she immediately starts making eggs for the guy and his disapproving mother. Then the guy allows her to eat a bite of apple, which disgusts the disapproving mother, who leaves her three over easy eggs on the plate in disgust and/or a show of dominance. I did not major in Anthropology.

Then, she spends the rest of the song cleaning the house, and the guy occasionally buys her maternity clothes. Then, either an in-house tornado happens, or she steals all their money and breaks shit. Tough to say.

4) Айжамал Кабылова & Гулнара Калдарова - Жан досум / Жаны клип 2020

This one’s by (squints) Ahkman Kaoblnoba and Hangmanynhapa KanAapoBa. You all know them. The song is the asterisk and a bunch more made-up letters.

What’s it about? Fuck if I know. Seems like twins who hate each other, only the women singers are clearly not twins, as one is much older than the other. Also, they are terrible drivers... for reasons?

Pretty sure all four of these songs used the same music. Like they bought the same Mediterranean beat off a Casio keyboard.

I will say there is one SEC connection here, as Kyrgystani women are much more attractive than Kyrgystani men. If you don’t understand this connection, go visit LSU, Ole Piss, Clanga, South Cackalacky, Ramajama, War Tiger Land, Aggie Land, and Wedding Jersey Town.

All of these are terrible, and basically indistinguishable from one another. Regardless, you need to vote. Guess it’s Kyrgystani primary season up in this bitch.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Up Next

*Bonus Song for all of you who saw the most recent season of Documentary Now! and want anything involving yurts to also involve Bachelor Nanny.

“These babies are cramping my style!”