Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so Andrew started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

You people somehow voted for a terrible Eurovision ballad (note to self: “terrible” is redundant) over Adriano Celentano’s madness, but at least you managed to pick Jamaica over Jordan and Japan. I can only presume you were afraid that the only Jordan choices would be Montell Jordan or Space Jam, and Japan’s choices would just be Yatta! four times. I can assure you this is false, as I would have shoehorned Yukari Ito’s cover of The Locomotion into Japan’s choices somehow.

Thankfully, we head to the Caribbean for a slice of rum cake and no Eurovision, so let’s get at it.

The Songs

1) Justin Hinds & The Dominoes - Carry Go Bring Come

Before there were reggae, there was ska. One of the YouTube comments notes “This is fresh as hell. First-wave ska is supposed to sound like it was recorded in someone’s bathroom.”

He’s right, this IS fresh as hell. And sounds like it was recorded in someone’s bathroom, but never mind that. That drummer is out of cares to give, and deserves a medal for this performance. Everything about this is phenomenal.

This will get exactly zero votes, and I secretly resent all of you for it. Or maybe it’s not secret, since I just typed that. Shut up.

2) Inner Circle - Sweat (A La La La La Long)

Hey, it’s the song we all wanted for Troy LaNeve’s walkup music! And by “we all,” I mean “the three or four people who watch midweek baseball games.” And for all we know given his appearances this season, maybe it is Troy LaNeve’s walkup music.

Inner Circle’s lead singer is a beautiful man, particularly since we can all feel beautiful while listening to this. Go ahead, dance around the living room, no one’s looking. Sweat till you can’t sweat no more. Why are you still reading this?

3) Toots & the Maytals / Willie Nelson - I’m a Worried Man

Toots & the Maytals are bona fide reggae legends, right alongside Jimmy Cliff and Bob Marley & the Wailers. They teamed up with Willie Nelson for a few songs in the early 2000s, including a cover of Johnny Cash and June Carter’s song “I’m a Worried Man.”

Look, if you seriously didn’t think a song with both Willie Nelson and Johnny Cash influences wasn’t going to immediately be included, what have you even been reading on this site? Bowling play by play? Hail Pinman.

*Andrew jumps in with the assist on song number 4*

4) Ini Kamoze - Here Comes The Hotstepper

This song has everything. Irie pineapple? Check. Video girls? Check. People chanting “Murderer” for no apparent reason after nearly every lyric? You damn straight.

Quick story time. For those who know me, I have a relatively distinct walk. It’s not something I noticed, or do on purpose, but let’s just say the guy behind the counter at Satco once yelled, “Man you’s a pimp with a gangsta limp!” when I first walked in as a freshman at Vandy. In short, this song speaks to me.

Honorable Mention

Chief Wiggum & Bob Marley - Jamming

I mean... holy shit, we got through a Jamaica song contest without even mentioning Bob Marley. That’s like spending four years in Knoxville and never drinking things with your butts or engaging in general redneck jackassery. Well done, Parlagi (perhaps). So yeah... we haven’t forgot about Bob.

Shut up, Lou.

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