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Baseball Series Preview: at The Gainesville Jorts

The Diamond Dores head down to the be-jean-shorted swamp-ass part of the country for what will likely be our toughest road series of the year.

Celebrity Sightings In Los Angeles - April 25, 2023 Photo by BG020/Bauer-Griffin/GC Images

Safe to say this is the biggest series of the year for both teams (you know, until next week when Arky comes to town, at least). The Diamond Dores, at 17-7, hold a 2 game lead over the Jorts for 1st place in the East (we’re also up 2.5 over The South Cackalacky Game Penises, by the way). A series victory would go a long way towards cementing that status. Further, with Arky tied with us and The Gumbo Bengals a half game back, the #1 seed in the SEC tourney is still up for grabs. Of course, we’re going to have to go through Jortsville and the Woo Pig Sooie’s to grab hold of it.

Week Thirteen (5/12-5/14) vs. The Gainesville Jorts

Friday @ 4:30pm CT on SEC Network

Saturday @ 5:30pm CT on SECN+

Saturday @ 12:00pm CT on SECN+

‘23 Record: 37-12 (15-9 SEC).

The Jorts were one of less than a handful of teams (LSU the other) who were all but coronated before pitch one of the season. In their OOC schedule, they really didn’t challenge themselves. Aside from the rivalry series with an okay Miami team (they would win 2 games to 1), they played a trash bag full of cupcakes. That they only had three losses heading into conference play was not exactly shocking.

Once conference play started, that lack of challenging themselves reared its ugly cutoff jean shorts cut right over a poorly drawn Tim Tebow thigh tattoo. Okay, no, it didn’t, but that line was too good to cut.

Yeah, they’re good. They took their first five SEC series, taking 2 of three from The Gumps, War Tigers, Chuggers, Ugga, and sweeping Ole Piss. They didn’t get their asses handed to them until they were swept by The Penises when The Jorts got too high to function on 4/20 weekend.

*Note: You do not want Penises to hand your ass over, to you or anyone.

Of course, they followed that embarrassment by outclassing Missourah (spits) in the SEC-Big XII Challenge.

Last week, though, like us, they lose two games to one to an inferior team (for us, it was The Gumps, for them, it was the aTm Fightin’ Grode Jars).

We’re both a little wounded. Left handed pitching can keep their monster offense to just SEC Cromulent, but here’s the catch: we still don’t know if Carter Holton will pitch tonight, nor which version of Holton we’ll get—the Rev. Holton Heat top lefty in the SEC, or the Holton Hears a Who we’ve seen in the back portion of the season.

So yeah... this should be a series to watch for every single SEC baseball fan, college baseball fan, fan-tom of the opera, burlesque fan-dancer, and ceiling fan. I may have lost my train of thought.

Player to Watch: #36 Jr. OF Wyatt “Meth Gator” Langford (.399/.538/.784 with 15 2B, 3 3B, 12 HR, and 30 RBI). I could also have profiled Jacky Cags and his 27 dongers (see below), or Josh Rivera and his .367 average. Their offense is freaking loaded. It’s why their starters all have 4 or 5+ ERAs and it doesn’t really matter.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: Ah hell, I’ll go with their Swamped-up Shohei Otani: #14 So. LHP/1B Jac “Jacky Cags” Caglianone (4-2; 4.91 ERA; 10.2 K/9). He’s a lefty who throws in the high 90s (which, you know, might actually play into Vanderbilt’s hand, as it’s not like they don’t face that guy in practice all the damned time). Of course, unless he actually is another Shohei his MLB future is at the plate, where he’s leading the nation with 27 mo-freaking dongers and 69 RBI. Jebus. Also, nice.

On the Mound

Friday @ 4:30pm CT on SEC Network

#20 Vanderbilt So. LHP Carter “Rev. Holton Heat” Holton (4-1; 4.11 ERA)

#88 Vanderbilt Jr. RHP Patrick “The Life Of” Reilly (3-1; 4.94 ERA)

vs. #8 Jorts So. RHP Brandon “Little Sprout” Sproat (6-2; 4.84 ERA)

Saturday @ 5:30pm CT on SECN+

#95 Vanderbilt So. LHP Devin “The Future” Futrell (6-2; 2.42 ERA)

vs. #12 Jorts Jr. RHP Hurston “Turxas” Waldrep (6-3; 5.07 ERA)

Sunday @ 12:00pm CT on SECN+

#33 Vanderbilt Jr. LHP Hunter “Mr. Manager” Owen (4-0; 3.16 ERA)

vs. #14 Jorts So. LHP/1B Jac “Jacky Cags” Caglianone (4-2; 4.91 ERA).

*No, I have no idea whether Holton will actually pitch today or why Owen and Futrell’s spots were swapped this weekend.

The Lineup

See you in the comments.