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Baseball Series Preview: vs. The South Cackalacky Game Penises

The Diamond Dores welcome their first true challenge since conference play started, and will likely be without their Saturday starter.

Two Game Penises. I’m pretty sure one of these is Little Jerry.
Photo by RICARDO ARDUENGO/AFP via Getty Images

Week Nine (4/14-4/16) vs. The South Cackalacky Game Penises

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+

Saturday @ 2:00pm CT on SECN+

Sunday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

‘23 Record: 29-4 (9-2 SEC).

2023 has been a dream for the Game Penises thus far, with their fans feeling better about the team than they have in over a decade. In addition to being 9-2 through the first month of conference play, they also took two of three from in-state rival, Clemson. Similar to The Diamond Dores, however, they’ve had a pretty favorable conference schedule thus far, sweeping Ugga and Missourah (spits), taking two of three from Clanga, and splitting a two game set against LSU (game three was rained out).

However, they really are all offense. Friday starter Will “The Colonel” Sanders is their most talented pitcher, but he’s been tagged more than expected this year. Case in point, freaking Clanga even run ruled The Penises two weeks ago. The Penises won the series, of course, but they have a pretty obvious Achilles Heel—if you can hang with their offense, of course.

Player to Watch: Honestly, it’s their entire lineup. However, if I had to limit it to one... nope, can’t do it. Even limiting it to two is tough. Let’s go with #20 Fr. RF Ethan “The Dish” Petry (.449/.507/.898 with 5 2B, 0 3B, 16 HR, and 52 RBI) and #52 Jr. former Diamond Dore 1B Gavin “The House” Casas (.284/.444/.724 with 6 2B, 0 3B, 15 HR, and 37 RBI). The Game Penis lineup can mash, so we’re going to have to mash back to keep up, especially with Hunter Owen shelved, and Carter Holton questionable.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #34 RS Jr. RHP James “The Redneck” Hicks (6-0; 2.20 ERA). With the way the Game Penises play Beer League Softball style slugfests, I guess it’s not all that shocking that their wins leader is a reliever. Further, with 13 appearances on the year, expect to see The Redneck out there at least once this weekend. Don’t be shocked if Hicks is the first reliever we see, especially if Colonel Sanders is not able to pitch deep into tonight’s game. The Redneck threw 4 IP in relief of Colonel Sanders in last Thursday’s series opening win against The Gumbo Bengals.

On the Mound

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+

#97 Vanderbilt So. RHP Bryce “Big Richie” Cunningham (1-0; 3.20 ERA)

vs. #32 Game Penis Jr. RHP Will “The Colonel” Sanders (2-1; 4.72 ERA)

Saturday @ 2:00pm CT on SECN+

Vanderbilt ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, as it looks like Hunter “Mr. Manager” will be shelved this week with fatigue, similar to what happened with Carter Holton last week. Speaking of, this spot would go to Carter Holton if he’s back to full strength.

vs. #23 Game Penis Jr. RHP Jack “Police Academy” Mahoney (3-0; 3.12 ERA)

Sunday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

#95 Vanderbilt So. LHP Devin “The Future” Futrell (6-1; 2.21 ERA)

vs. TBD. Ooh, it could be anyone, even a boat!

The Lineup

See you in the comments.