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Tuesday Game Thread: vs. The North Alabama Cowardly Lions

6 pm CT on SECN+.

NCAA FOOTBALL: SEP 01 North Alabama at Jacksonville State
I can’t be the only one to notice Leo’s not wearing any pants.
Photo by Michael Wade/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

‘23 Record: 6-24 (0-12 ASUN).

I’m not going to waste your or my time digging into the particulars of an 0-12 ASUN team. Just beat them, like nearly everyone else has. Okay, I’ll tell you one thing: they were just swept by The David Lipscomb Improperly Pluralized Bisons. There. Happy?

Player to Watch: #5 Grad IF Kyle “Incongruous First and Last Name” Machado (.318/.471/.648 with 8 2B, 0 3B, 7 HR, and 23 RBI). Listen, we all wanted the player to watch to be Jackson “The Incredible Sulk” Ferrigno, but he’s only hitting .255 with 2 HR. Though you would not like Lou Ferrigno when he’s angry, no one likes Jackson regardless of his emotional state. Had to give it to the Florida Gulf Coast transfer who’s likely reevaluating his life decisions after choosing to play for UNA as a grad student.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: No one. Seriously, no one. Their starter this past Friday against The Bisons, #25 So. RHP William “The Talent Agent” Morris, has a freaking 10.27 ERA. Their only pitcher with an ERA under 4 has only thrown 13 of an inning. Their team ERA is 9.61. Seriously, no one.

On the Mound

Tuesday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+

#98 Vanderbilt So. RHP Greysen “Billy Beer” Carter (2-0; 1.93 ERA)

vs. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, though last Tuesday, UNA went with #22 Jr. RHP Brycen “Utah Female Baby Name” Parrish (0-0; 13.50 ERA)

The Lineup

See you in the comments.