Vanderbilt Baseball Mail Bag #4: Answers to Your Questions

Letters... we get letters... we get stacks and stacks of letters...

By Andrew VU '04 Apr 1, 2023, 1:27pm EDT

Question from jessecuster44:

Is it true that most of Starkville’s fine china and cutlery were destroyed by a certain HR this weekend?

Are we this good or is the state of MS that bad?

If Clanga had a Het-o-Meter what would it be called and where would the arrow be right now?

Luckily, the denizens of Clangatown eat most of their food with their hands. It’s a little like if we hit a dinger that broke all the wine glasses in Knoxville.

As for the second question, I think we could potentially be this good, AND Clanga could be that bad. First, which pitcher on Clanga’s team scares you even a little? Anyone in their lineup stand out above a generic SEC player?

For us, though no one is going to top LSU’s offense this year, and there will be teams that are at our level with respect to starting pitching, no team will have our bullpen depth. Further, we’re easily as good as the best defensive teams out there, and will likely have the defensive advantage in every series we play all year. Think about it: we have a CF in Shockwave who can cover 2/3 of the outfield, and three shortstops in our infield defense.

Finally, it would be called the Clanga-per, and it would be administered by their Dean of Phrenology—their most highly regarded pseudoscience department—who is also a cow.

Question from Suicide Dores:

So, we’re 6-0 in league play and have, likely, the worst team left on the SEC-slate in Georgia coming in next week. 9-0 isn’t outside the realm of possibility, and I think anything short of 8-1 would be terribly disappointing at this point. So, any danger of a hot start coming to a crashing halt when we start playing the better teams and that affecting our seeding for the NCAA-T despite a good conference record (i.e. the inverse of the basketball team)?

Florida got a host last year with 15 wins. Obviously, 15 wins after an 8-1 or 9-0 start would be pretty damn disastrous. What do you see as the win threshold given our start to have a regional host and further, a natty seed locked away?

Because I had more last minute meetings pop up this week than...—well... shit, this is just going to be my life from now on, isn’t it?—as I type, we are now 7-0 in league play, with two more against 1-6 Ugga on the docket.

Looking at the schedule, our next opponent is Missourah (spits), who, though they hilariously swept the Chuggers to open SEC play, have lost four straight in rough fashion—getting swept by the Penises and then run-ruled by The Wearers of Jamal Mashburn Jerseys at Weddings last night.

The following weeks, we play The South Cackalacky Game Penises at The Hawk, The Knosville Buttchuggers at The Wigsphere, and welcome a red-hot, but flawed Kentucky team to Nashville to close out the month of April. While I don’t expect that to be a 9-0 uber-sweep (like we’re currently attempting), I also don’t expect us to go under .500 in those 9 games. In other words, it could slow down after Missourah (spits), but it’s not like we’re driving headlong into a brick wall, either.

Then, May is against The Gumps, Jorts, and Woo Pig Sooies. It’s not going to be as easy as our first two weeks, but then again, Ole Piss was ranked higher than us when they came to The Hawk a few weeks ago, and we know how that turned out.

As for the Regional vs. National, the general rule of thumb is 16-17 conference wins for a Regional and 19-20 for a National.

Question from Nova_Dore:

The stellar pitching was anticipated, but bth the hitting and fielding have improved (so far) substantially over last year. Which one surprises you most?

Our double-play ability has been outstanding and worthy of a nickname. What to call it? Double-down Dores?

The hitting, and it’s not particularly close. Once we moved Vastine to SS, Diaz to 3rd, and Austin to 2nd, we automatically had the best infield defense in the country. It just took Corbs a few OOC weeks to realize it. Hitting-wise? Well, everyone’s clicking right now. I think we all anticipated something like this from Ogre, but I don’t think anyone thought both RJ Austin and Chris Maldonado would be able to be middle of the order thumpers in their freshman years, nor did anyone think Parker Noland could Not Lose this powerfully. As long as Shockwave and Diaz keep getting on in front of them, and The Bulge keeps serving as lineup protection for Ogre, this lineup is one through nine long with no holes detected. Beyond that, they now believe it.

As for the double-play moniker... I’ll have to think about that, as everything that comes to mind immediately is NSFW. That said, the “Double-Down Dores” idea is even grosser than the various levels of entendre floating around in my poisoned mind, as KFC is hot garbage.

Question from 79Commode Dore:

Should “Exploding Cutlery” be now used interchangeably with or in lieu of “donger,” “dinger,” or similar HR synonyms in the AOG lexicon?

Done and done.

Question from Dinard’oh:

It’s been an amazing couple of weeks with lots of outstanding performances. Is there anyone you see as still lagging performance-wise two weeks into SEC play?

I mean, if you want to be shitty, you could call Patrick Reilly a reincarnated Turd Ferguson, but why do that right now? It’s not like we’ve needed to lean on him for meaningful innings since conference play started. Everyone who’s a little weak with the bats are currently on the bench, too. All I have is love for the gloves.

Question from RocketCityVandy:

Where should we build the statue of Noland? I’m thinking put it on top of the monster wall in the outfield.

More seriously, who do we expect to take an SEC loss first, us or Carolina?

You build it over the HR wall at Dudy Noble Field.

The second question is easy, and not just because Clanga beat The Penises hard last night.

Question from Your Uncle Mike:

What with the offensive production, do opposing teams start checking our bats more closely?

Was the 11-7 outcome Sunday manufactured to show up Clanga?

All I’ll say is this. I’m not sure who your particular deity is, but my universe is governed almost exclusively by The God of Irony. Glory be his Pinly ways.

Question from shoogymgshoogs:

Does Lemonis make it through the season?

How do you go from winning a Natty to so bad so quickly? And thus, how does Corbin prevent that from happening?

Unless Lemon Party and his team of no-armed Clangans take the rubber match against The Penises down in Dudy Noble, I’m not sure how many more series losses those maniacs down in Clangatown will take before grinding him into livestock feed. I’ll say this: If Clanga misses out on the SEC Tournament again this year, I can’t see him being asked back for ‘24.

Question from Athanatos504:

where do you have Vandy in your top 5 SEC teams at the moment?

#1 by record, #2 by the eye test. I mean, have you seen LSU play yet?

Question from Dorejam:

On a scale of Dowhower to Dorrell, just how bad is college pitching in the State of Mississippi?

A genetic hybridized monster of a Lame Duck Derp Mason going 0-fer in 2020 with Bryce Drew’s Clapping-Hands.