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Baseball Series Preview: at The Cambria College Classic (you know, that play three Big 10 teams before noon and such thingy)

Oh great, yet another out of conference tournament that wants money from us ($15 this time), and one of the games will be this morning when we’re all at work.

Indiana Fever v Minnesota Lynx - Game Two
Admit it, this is the only thing you know about Minnesota. Okay, you also know how this guy pronounced “Minnesota” when he was somehow elected Governor.
Photo by Hannah Foslien/Getty Images

Week Three (3/3-3/5) vs. Three Big 10 Teams in Minnesota for Some Reason

Friday @ 11:00am CT against the Nebraska Corn Shuckers on BTN+

Saturday @ 11:00am CT against the #18 Maryland HerpaTerps on BTN+

Sunday @ 6:00pm CT against Minnesota “The Body” Ventura on BTN+

Obligatory How This Effects Your Wallet Tweet

The Diamond Dores have been a mercurial team this year, but are still in the top 10 in all rankings, as we’ve played some really strong teams, and won at a 2 games to 1 rate (6-3 on the season). You won’t get punished for taking 2 of 3 from UCLA, nor will you be punished for taking 2 of 3 from the Big XII Hydra of TCU (loss), Okie State (win), and Tejas (win). Also, our one out of conference loss has been to a Purple Bear on Cocaine, and... no, that was just bad. Still, our arms have been largely phenomenal (not you, Patrick Reilly). Our offense is a mix between frustrating innings leaving many runners on base and 8 run innings of mostly singles, BBs, HBPs, and opposing fielder errors.

As you can see, I still don’t know what to make of this team beyond my conclusion after filing my pre-season position previews, i.e. Arms Good, Bats ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Ah hell, that’s too many words before talking about the teams we face, so let’s move on.

Game One vs. The Nebraska Corn Shuckers

‘23 Record: 3-3-1 (0-0 Big 10).

The Corn Shuckers are Meh: The Team living in Meh: The State. They were smoked by San Diego (0-3-1) and then swept South Alabama’s Team Jaguar Featuring Darcel Jones. Not sure what to make of that. Meh.

Player to Watch: #4 Jr. 2B Max “Rushmore” Anderson (.448/.529/.621 with 2 2B, 0 3B, 1 HR, and 7 RBI). The junior second baseman is their top hitter (bats 3rd in the lineup), and on top of that, is President of the Calligraphy Club, Debate Team Captain, and Director of The Max Anderson Players. Though a modern day renaissance man, Max does have the twin Achilles heels of being embroiled in a love triangle for teacher Rosemary Cross with industrialist Bill Murray and being in so many clubs, he neglects his schoolwork.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #52 Grad RHP Michael “The Heron” Garza (1-1; 2.35 ERA). This reliever is probably the best they’ve got. With a 5.86 team ERA, they don’t exactly have the best arms.

Game Two vs. The #18 Maryland HerpaTerps

‘23 Record: 4-4 (0-0 Big 10).

The HerpaTerps are the best of the three squads we will face this weekend, according to the rankings (which have them somewhere between #17 and #25, despite their .500 early season record). This ranking is all but certainly due to only two factors: 1) They hosted a Regional last year (though they did lose to UCONN), and 2) Their Ace, #45 Jr. RHP Jason “Cool Guy” Savacool (1-1; 3.46 ERA) went a strong 7 IP to lead the HerpaTerps over Ole Piss earlier this year (winning the game 9-2). That’s a signature win. Unfortunately, Maryland followed that with two signature losses (6-12 and 8-18) when Cool Guy Savacool was not on the mount.

Savacool will get a chance to knock off Ole Piss again today. We likely don’t have to worry about facing him.

Player to Watch: #23 So. DH/OF Ian “Bishop Useless” Petrutz (.382/.462/.882 with 2 2B, 0 3B, 5 HR, and 11 RBI). Yes, this kid went to my high school baseball team’s private school rival Bishop Eustace Prep (not all that much of a leap to the “Bishop Useless” moniker everyone calls them). They’re known for trying to poach our best players, succeeding sometimes, and then still losing to us in the rare instances we play each other (they’re also sore losers). Anyway... this guy can hit the long ball, and, as such, is their cleanup hitter.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #45 Jr. RHP Jason “Cool Guy” Savacool (1-1; 3.46 ERA). See above for more on the Cool Guy.

Game Three vs. Minnesota “The Body” Ventura

‘23 Record: 0-0 (0-0 Big 10).

Want to see a dead “the body?” Well, this year’s Frozen Gopher Baseball Squadron has yet to register a win, and it’s not exactly like they’ve faced top competition. Sure, it’s forgivable to lose road games to Oregon State and even UC Santa Barbara, but to also lose to New Mexico, St. Louis (3 game sweep), and Milwaukee (the college, not the Brewers), well...

Let’s just say the Frozen Gophers are playing like Jesse Ventura’s political career post electoral victory.

Player to Watch: #7 Jr. OF Brett “Justine” Bateman (.438/.538/.500 with 2 2B, 0 3B, 0 HR, and 3 RBI). Yes, it’s tough to imagine someone starting 8 games, hitting north of .400, and only having 3 RBI. It’s less tough to imagine this on an 0-8 team. Also, before you accuse me of picking a guy with no power, know that Minnesota has but 2 HR all year (two batters with one each), and their team RBI leader has a whopping 5.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #43 RS Sr. RHP Richie “Thundercats” Holetz (0-0, 2.89 ERA). According to Tennesseean beat writer Aria Gerson, we’ll face Holetz Sunday, so we’ll be up against a Holetz... fo Sholetz.

On the Mound

Friday @ 11:00am CT against the Nebraska Corn Shuckers on BTN+

#20 Vanderbilt So. LHP Carter “Rev. Holton Heat” Holton (1-0; 1.93 ERA)

vs. #38 Nebraska Jr. LHP Emmett “The Twins” Olson (1-1, 4.22 ERA)

Saturday @ 11:00am CT against the #18 Maryland HerpaTerps on BTN+

#33 Vanderbilt Jr. LHP Hunter “Mr. Manager” Owen (0-0; 2.08 ERA)

vs. #42 Maryland Sr. RHP Nick “Crusty Old” Dean (1-0; 3.27 ERA)

Sunday 6:00pm CT against Minnesota “The Body” Ventura on BTN+

#95 Vanderbilt So. LHP Devin “The Future” Futrell (2-0; 1.80 ERA)

vs. #43 Minnesota RS Sr. RHP Richie “Thundercats” Holetz (0-0, 2.89 ERA)

The Lineup

Well look at that. They finally moved Jonathan Vastine to SS, RJ Austin to 2nd, and Davis Diaz to 3rd. Espy is still the starting catcher, and Hewett is getting some down time to get his swing back together.

See you in the comments.