As Anchor of Gold is ostensibly a Vanderbilt sports blog written by and for teenaged girls, spring is the season where we have a crush on every boy. Well, not every boy, actually. As if. In this article series, we will take a look at the three best boys and the three who need to talk to the hand, as the face ain’t listening. This week, our musical inspiration is Shania Twain, girl boss.

Man, I Feel Like A Woman

1) #21 Jr. LF Calvin “Silent Cal” Hewett (.273/.429/.545 with 1 2B, 1 3B, 2 RBI and 4-4 stolen bases)

The best part about being a woman’s the opportunity to have a little fun, and with 3 stolen bases in one inning, Silent Cal’s fun meter was on TILT this weekend.

2) #97 So. RHP Bryce “Big Richie” Cunningham (4 IP 0 H 0 R 1 BB 7 K and 1 SV)

If you replaced a letter in his last name per K, he would be 7 Ks and Ham. Oh-OH, oh, oh.

Cunningham had no inhibitions; made no conditions; got a little outta li-i-i-ine.

The presumptive mid-week starter proved eminently capable of dominating in the back half of a piggyback with Devin Futrell, and put his name firmly back in contention to start weekend games this year.

3) #13 So. 2B Jonathan “Vas(tine) Offerens” Vastine (.455/.500/.727 with 1 HR and 4 RBI)

Oh-OH oh, oh, get in the action, feel the attraction. Color my hair, do what I dare. Oh-OH, oh, oh. Last year, he was Steve Jeltz at the plate. This year, he’s a video game create your own player. Oh, and his Vas(tine) Deferens popped, as well, with his 100% fielding percentage serving as a clear contrast to Davis Diaz’s three errors (and the entire Tejas infield’s eleventy billion errors on Sunday). If Diaz doesn’t improve, and quick, Vastine will take over at SS.

*Bonus Hottie: #45 Jr. C Alan “Espy” Espinal (.200/.200/.800 with 1 Grand Salami)

Chick’s dig the long ball. Oh-OH, oh, oh.

Speaking of contrasts in a position battle, though Espy only got one hit to Bulger’s none, his one was loud.

That Don’t Impress Me Much

1) #16 Jr. C Jack Bulger (0-8)

Oh-ooh-oh, you think you’re special?

Oh-ooh-oh, you think you’re something else?

I mean, at least he only Kd once. He opened the door for a positional battle, and Espy may well be the superior defensive catcher. If The Bulge doesn’t hit, he’s not going to play.

2) #20 So. LHP Carter Holton (0-0; 4.91 ERA—3 & ²⁄₃ IP 4 H 2 R 2 BB 4 K)

So you got the brains but have you got the touch? Now don’t get me wrong, yeah, I think you’re alright, but that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night...

Though Hliboki Bartokomous was saddled with the loss (more on this later), Rev. Holton did not have his heat, as he looked to be more in pre-season form. The fact that he was on a pitch count made it pretty clear he’s still building up his arm strength, and will likely be better in each subsequent start, but still, this is not what you want to see out of the staff Ace.

3) Tim Corbin and Scott Brown’s early season bullpen management.

So. You’re Brad Pitt.

I know this is all part of the strategy, but leaving Hliboki Bartokomous and The Ginth out there way past the point where they were toast was just mean girl stuff. Stop trying to make fetch happen, Corbs and Brownie.

That don’t impress me much.