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Let’s Get Weird—All World All Time Best Song Competition: Germany

If a man has a theory...

Entertainment: 73rd Golden Globe Awards
Time to Hassell the Hoff.
Dan MacMedan/USA TODAY NETWORK

Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Today, we travel to the land of Angela Merkel and that piece of shit with the tiny moustache who convinced 13 of the country to murder another 13 while the remaining 13 did nothing (no, not Charlie Chaplin): Germany.

The Songs

1) David Hassellhoff “Looking for Freedom.”

Let’s not kid ourselves, this song sucks ass. Regardless, after The Hoff played on the Berlin Wall, this shitty song went #1 throughout Europe. I dare you to listen to this and not want to end yourself. This is the CIA using Barney songs as torture level bad. Don’t vote for this. You’re going to vote for this, aren’t you?

Oh, and RIP Norm MacDonald:

2) Rammstein “Du Hast.”

Du. Du hast. Du hast mich.

Yes, this one also sucks. Germany sucks. This is the time on Sprockets when we admit Germany is the worst country, musically, and we dance.

*Note: One of the words in the lyrics is the maiden name of my brother’s wife. No, I will not tell you which one.

3) That song from Run Lola Run by, I don’t know, whomever.

You know the one. It’s the one from that movie where the German girl runs. In my 20s, I was engaged to a woman who made me watch that movie a lot. This is the song from that movie that you are now hearing in your head without even hitting play. Admit it.

Yes, this song also sucks.

4) Scorpions “Wind of Change.”

Oh, get off your bullshit, this is the one German song that’s worth a damn. No, they don’t actually say, “Donkey Kong” in this song, but I’ll be damned if I’m looking up the actual lyrics. Follow the Moskva... down to Donkey Kong...

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Honorable Mention

I mean, there was a lot of classical music that was good, but Hitler ruined Wagner, to say the least. I’mma go with nothing.

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