Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

Last I opened up the vote, you all chose Djibouti over Deutschland, Denmark, or the Dominican Republic. Not letting QAnon into the primaries for the letter E. In fact, I’m doubling down, and breaking England into Part I (Metal) and Part II (Not Metal). If you want to feel good, play the Canada Part Une and Canada Part Deux songs from a few days back. Last night, we let The Chuggers damn near run rule us. On top of that, we have the indignity of losing to Feels Like ‘98 not once, not twice, not thrice, but FRICE this freaking year.

*Note: Don’t get on me about “frice” not being the technically correct term. I make the terms. I’ll update the Anchor of Gold Glossary of Terms and make it straight cannon if challenged.

Oh, and speaking about taking away your right to vote, Groupe RTD “Raga Kaan Ka’Eegtow” is winning Djibouti, no matter what the twitter poll results are. Deal with it. (That it actually received the most votes, and therefore won by democratic process, does not mean I am respecting your vote. Even letters get Democracy; odd letters get totalitarian fascism in this distraction contest.)

It’s metal day, and I’m not taking your shit.

The Songs

1) Black Sabbath “War Pigs.”

“Paranoid” and “Crazy Train” may be their most recognizable, but “War Pigs” has always been their best.

2) Motorhead “Ace of Spades.”

This one is my favorite song to play when I need to get amped the fuck up. Lemmy, man. Just the best. Yeah... if you don’t like this song, we can’t be friends.

3) Judas Priest “You’ve Got Another Thing Coming.”

Almost went with “Hellbent for Leather” or “Breaking the Law” here, but then though, fuck it, don’t overthink it. Decided to go with not only what’s arguably their best song, but certainly their best musically composed song, best drums, and most instantly memorizable lyrics.

Oh, and personal pet peeve time: when people say or type “you’ve got another think” coming, they should be instantly loaded onto a trebuchet and flung the hell away.

4) Iron Maiden “Hallowed Be Thy Name.”

I’m not the biggest Maiden guy, but yeah... even I can give it up for this one.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Honorable Mention

This is for the deep cut metal fans. I see you.

Oh, and for those of you wondering why there’s no Deep Purple, well, there is a Part II coming. Also, come on, Deep Purple is the “Is a Hot Dog a Sandwich?” of British heavy metal. The answer is no to both questions. You know it in your soul.

Now You Choose the Next Installment

Nope. Check above. Next one is England Part II (Not Metal). Still, we can figure out the F’s right now. All you metal heads best vote for Finland, as it is quite literally the home of death metal.