Feel free to click on the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music to learn the rules of this game. In short, we didn’t want to talk about the aftermath of the last regular season baseball series, so I started a distraction contest to...

...determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

You all could have had Deutschland, Denmark, or the Dominican Republic, but you wanted to pick the country that sounds a little saucy. This East African paradise surrounded by Somalia, Ethiopia, and Yemen doesn’t exactly have a lot of songs on Youtube to choose from, so you’re pretty much getting every one in existence.

One of them is actually good. Please pick the one actually good one (and thank you).

The Songs

1) Groupe RTD “Raga Kaan Ka’Eegtow.”

This is the one that is legitimately good. This song could have a bit of run in the tourney, so let it get in. The youtube translator fools think it translates to “You Are the One I Love,” but the one person I know who speaks Somali says it’s closer to, “Look at These Men.”

Well... look at them.

This band has a siren of a singer, a great horn section, and some solid drumbeats. This is the winner. Just listen to it and then vote for it, con sarn it

2) Qaasim Macruuf “New Official Video Song Djibouti 2019.”

Horrid title aside, this has some Afro-Carribean beats to it, steel drum and all. Of course, it also sounds like someone got an Old Casio and went crazy on the whacky sound effects.

No idea what he’s saying, so I’mma assume he’s serenading his morbidly obese, hideously ugly, elderly American fiancee “Baby Girl Lisa” on 90 Day Fiancee. Shut up, my horrid ex used to make me DVR those crimes against God and watch them with her.

Eh... it’s the 2nd best one, and it kind of sucks.

3) Cabdoo 2

Is Cabdoo 2 the band’s name? The Song’s name? Who’s to say? After doing a bit of research, it appears the singer’s name is Said Xamar Qoodh. That doesn’t help.

Anyway, if you like bands with a million members, silly dancing, and something that sounds vaguely like Zydeco if performed in East Africa, this will be up your alley. I kept expecting Keenan Thompson to jump out and sing, “Hoo wee! What’s up with that? What’s up with that?” He never did.

4) Abdallah Lee “Camarey ku kacni yoh debreh.”

Always good when the opening shot of the video looks like the lead singer’s mugshot. Oh, and this song title broke Google Translate, which just shat out “Camarey by kacni yoh debreh.“ Ooooohhhh. That helps.

I hate this. Please just pick the first one.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Honorable Mention

This weirdo:

Now You Choose the Next Installment