As I said in the first Global Song Competition post in which we determined “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap” was Australia’s best ever contribution to music:

If I open up the mail bag right now, I might drop a plugged in toaster into the tub, so to stem the tide of Vanderbilt sports-based ennui, we need a distraction. Nothing is more distracting, nor bat-shit insane, as the Eurovision song contest.

No, no, I’m not going to subject you all to the sustained fever dream that is the Eurovision song contest. You’ve made us all drink horse poison before, so doing so would be well within my rights, but no... no.

Instead, let us determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

Up first, alphabetically, is the land down under. Though when most people think of Australian music, they think of lyrics involving people having to chunder and/or eating a Vegemite sandwich, but there is a surprising amount of excellent music coming from the land of kangaroos.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

This time, you chose Bahrain, which, fuck you.

The Songs

1) Saad Lamjarred “Lamallem”

Some may point out that Lamjarred is Moroccan, but this legitimately has 1 billion views, and was the top search for “Best songs in Bahrain.” So... shut up.

All this music sounds the same to me, but the woman in the video sure fit the lyric “you’re a symbol of love, you make minds wander.”

2) Batelco “اغنية ياكم البحريني |”

This song was recorded to pump up Bahrain’s soccer team before the 2019 Asia Cup. I hate it. Too much phlegm. “Ooooh OH Bah(phlegm)raini!”

3) Esmail Mubarak “Shoog.”

Fuck it, this one’s for baseball commenter Shoogymgshoogs, as he (or she) has had to endure as much of this season as I have. I assume it’s all about him (or her). Pretty good guitar riffs. Sounds a bit like a Bahraini Stevie Nicks.

4) Fijiri “Collective Work Songs of the Gulf Pearl Divers”

You come to Anchor of Gold for two things: 1) Humorous coverage of Vanderbilt Sports, and 2) Bahraini Pearl Diver throat yodeling.

Today, at long last, I will give you your fill of the latter.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Oh, and in picking Bahrain last time, I am no longer giving you the democratic right to choose the next country. It’s Canada, whether you like it or not.