If I open up the mail bag right now, I might drop a plugged in toaster into the tub, so to stem the tide of Vanderbilt sports-based ennui, we need a distraction. Nothing is more distracting, nor bat-shit insane, as the Eurovision song contest.

No, no, I’m not going to subject you all to the sustained fever dream that is the Eurovision song contest. You’ve made us all drink horse poison before, so doing so would be well within my rights, but no... no.

Instead, let us determine the greatest song of all time, based on my limited knowledge of music and other countries.

First, we’ll go with the smattering of countries I can accurately point to on a globe and spell correctly—sorry, Kyrgustan (nope: it was Kyrgyzstan)—and then, we’ll go state by state in the good ol’ US of A.

Up first, alphabetically, is the land down under. Though when most people think of Australian music, they think of lyrics involving people having to chunder and/or eating a Vegemite sandwich, but there is a surprising amount of excellent music coming from the land of kangaroos.

*Note: Feel free to disagree with my choices violently, and suggest better songs in the comments. I will not listen to you, nor will it affect the outcome of this ridiculous distraction contest, but I want you all to feel both seen and heard, even though I don’t know what most of you look like, nor sound like, but I want you all to feel effectively placated.

The Songs

1) AC/DC “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.”

You may wonder why “Thunderstruck,” “Back in Black,” or Hells Bells” was not the choice. Hell, you may even ask me why I have decided not to shake you all night long. That’s because they are inferior to “Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap.” It’s the best song in the film Dirty Work. I will be taking no questions at this time.

2) Wolfmother “Woman.”

You don’t know who Wolfmother is. That doesn’t matter. You know this song. Think of the title of the song screamed like if Linda Ronstadt had a lovechild with Angus Young. You’re already playing the song in your head now. Trust me. It’s a hard-charging rock anthem in which the lyrics don’t tell us anything, nor are they memorable in any way. Apparently, this woman is going to set them free. Ah, fuck it, it’s a good song.

3) Tame Impala “Elephant.”

You definitely don’t know this band. You also all but certainly have no neurons connecting the name of the song to the actual song. Still, you have heard this song. Like the Men’s Wearhouse weirdo, I guarantee it. Oh, and it’s probably wise to listen to this while high.

4) Colin Hay “Overkill.”

I know his original band Men Without Hats did this song first. I also know Colin Hay, the Men Without Hats frontman, did it infinitely better on his own. He Phil Collins’d the Genesis of outback jackasses who did “The Safety Dance.” That alone should get your vote.

But seriously, listen to this and tell me it doesn’t hit you right in the dark void where your emotions used to reside (you’re all Vanderbilt fans... having emotions is not something you can afford and stay alive at the same time). In other words, let’s all unplug, and go Aussie acoustic here with the much older version of the guy who told you you can dance if you want to; you can leave the world behind.

Vote in the Poll (click on the tweet to vote on it, you crumb bums)

Honorable Mention

The Chats “Smoko.”

Kids these days. All having terrible haircuts, deciding to sound like 80s punk bands mixed with surf-rock, and giving you all the reasons they can’t help you at their jobs, as they’re on their smoke break.

So leave them alone.

*Note: This series came exclusively from the despair of a 3 game sweep at the hands of LSU to end the SEC regular season. If you have a problem with it, blame Corbin for keeping Carter Holton out of the series and just befuddling us all year with haphazard lineup decisions. Of course, if you do, he will tell you he’s on smoko, so leave him alone.

Now You Choose the Next Installment