It’s THEM. The butt-chugging, mullet-luging, Vocockyteps worshipping, Bacon and Donut wearing, former WWE goon electing Fat Orange Juliuses to the East. OO.

Worst yet, they’re good now. In fact, Tony “The Calf” Vitello has them at the *“consesus” #1 ranked team in the nation coming into this series.

*No word on what “consesus” means. Top Vocockyteps scholars believe it may well be the onomatopoeia of the sound of Franzia whooshing into an anus at high velocity. OO.

Also, I hate those chewing gum bubbles and their stupid moustachioed faces and how Jordan “Soy Un Perdedor” Beck looks like bro country told a Jeff Foxworthy joke and spawned a new Theo Von whose only vocabulary is “derp” and I hate them I hate them I hate them. (That’s how they make Theo Vons, by the way, and once you make them, there is no unmaking them.)

On top of that, though we are currently #2 in the SEC in hitting and pitching statistics, the Chuggers are #1. Luckily, we have the chance to reverse such indignity by the end of this weekend. I’m not going to lie to you. This series could get ugly.

This ugly.

(shudders)

So here’s a thought for the rich pricks who buy the season tickets behind home plate, but never show up when it’s a bit chilly... listen to Mags and don’t freaking sell your damned tickets to THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.

Give them away to Vanderbilt fans if you can’t handle a spring chill. Do not, and I repeat, DO NOT let Bacon and Donut mullet-luge 30 Stones behind the umpire all freaking weekend.

Please.

And thank you.

Why is this so hard for you???

Now onto the actual baseball preview and whatnot.

Week Seven (4/1-4/3): vs. THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on ESPN2

Saturday @ 7:00pm CT on SEC Network

Sunday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

Record: 24-1 (6-0 SEC). If there are not crooked numbers on the right sides of those hyphens by the end of this weekend, I am not responsible for my actions. No, I will not provide a run down of who they played. You’re making me stare at enough orange looking at their roster and stats. A man can only take so much.

Player to Watch: #27 Jr. RF Jordan “Soy Un Perdedor” Beck (.333/.380/.535 with 5 2B, 5 HR, 16 RBI and 5-6 Steals). Though Beck has not been their hottest hitter this year, he’s been their best player over the course of his career, and is a likely first rounder in this summer’s MLB Draft. In the time of chinpanzees, he was a monkey. Now, he’s crazy with the Cheese Whiz.

Of course, perhaps the most important thing to watch will be the weather. It’s supposed to be a bit chilly this weekend, and with the Chuggers used to their balls flying out of their joke of a ballpark (66 dingers so far), we could be looking at a lot of warning track outs. OO.

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: #44 RS Jr. RHP Ben “Carol Oates” Joyce (0-0, 0.00 ERA). Do I really need to tell you why this reliever is the Chuggers’ hottest pitcher? Fine, click here. In short, Joyce throws 104 MPH, but luckily, it feels like ‘98.

On the Mound (probably)

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on ESPN2

#35 Vanderbilt Jr. RHP Chris “McBain” McElvain (4-0; 1.95 ERA)

vs. #33 Chuggers Fr. RHP Chase “Montgomery” Burns (5-0, 0.80 ERA)

Saturday @ 7:00pm CT on SEC Network

#20 Vanderbilt Fr. LHP Carter “Rev. Holton Heat” Holton (4-1; 4.02 ERA)

vs. #11 Chuggers So. RHP Chase “Unoriginal Chugger Pitching Name” Dollander (4-0, 2.67 ERA)

Sunday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

Though Corbs has not announced it yet, and it is still technically TBD, I’m willing it into existence right now (because if not now, when?)...

#88 Vanderbilt So. RHP Patrick “Life of” Reilly (2-0, 1.09 ERA)

vs. #29 Chuggers Fr. RHP Drew “Legal Name is Literally Just a Nickname, as we all know all Andrews go to Vanderbilt” Beam (5-0, 1.12 ERA)

The Lineup

1 cf 51 Enrique Bradfield Jr L .337

2 3b 11 Davis Diaz R .348

3 rf 34 Spencer Jones L .375

4 c 12 Dominic Keegan R .419

5 1b 39 Gavin Casas L .375

6 dh 16 Jack Bulger R .262

7 lf 2 Javier Vaz L .267

8 2b 6 Tate Kolwyck R .307

9 ss 9 Carter Young B .289

See you in the comments.

Nothing sucks like a big orange.