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[Updated] Week 6 Series Preview: at The South Cackalacky Game Penises

The Diamond Dores travel south to where my friend Craig lives. The very friend who fills with murderous rage every time I refer to his alma mater as The South Cackalacky Game Penises.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL: SEP 18 South Carolina at Georgia Photo by Jeffrey Vest/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

Week Six (3/24-3/25): vs. The South Cackalacky Game Penises

Thursday @ 7:00pm CT on ESPN2

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+

Saturday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

2021 Record: 34-23 (16-14 SEC).

2022: Record: 10-10 (0-3 SEC). Remember when the Penises won back to back CWS titles and then were the runner up the next year? That was 2010-2012, and it has been a long decade since for the denizens of Columbia, South Cackalacky. Sure they made the NCAA Tourney last year, but no one then or now understands why (or how). This year, they opened SEC play by getting swept by the Chuggers (which, fair enough), and then proceeded to lose to the damned Citadel on Tuesday. The former is somewhat understandable (though you would expect a good team to salvage one win in the series against those Mullet-Luging Franzia-Funnelers), but the latter likely tells us South Cackalacky’s gone flaccid of late. On the other hand, they did take 2 of 3 against Tejas two weeks back, so this has the potential to be a Jekyll and Hyde-style Penis team. Let’s hope for Jekyll. I don’t want to know what a Mr. Hyde-esque Penis would entail, but it would likely involve a lot of ugly public tramplings that would be both manslaughter and sex crimes.

Oh, and I’ll just leave this here.

Player to Watch: #11 5th year Sr. RF Andrew “The Bunny” Eyster (.366/.418/.549 with 4 2B, 3 HR, and 23 RBI). Like the Rabbit of Caerbannog, this bunny is to be treated with due respect, lest this happen:

Of course, Eyster has not been in the lineup the last two games, so there is a chance either the Chuggers or the Citadel got hold of the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, and made him an ex-rabbit.

In addition to the (possibly blown up) bunny, watch out for leadoff hitter and fellow 5th year Sr. #13 LF Brandt “$1,000 to Watch” Belk (.319/.412/.5422 with 5 2B, 3 HR, 13 RBI, and 5-7 steals).

Anchor of Gold Tiger Beat Hottest Pitcher: Seeing as their Ace starter currently has an ERA north of 8... let’s go with #32 South Cackalacky So. RHP Will “The Colonel’s Fried Bucket of Game Penises” Sanders (3-1, 3.64 ERA). We’ll likely see The Colonel in Game Two (this Friday, as this series starts on a Thursday for reasons that likely only have to do with ESPN2 picking it up). Holton vs. Sanders will be the best pitching matchup of this series.

Confidence Level: High. I see no reason we should stop streaking in the quad this weekend.

On the Mound (probably)

Thursday @ 7:00pm CT on ESPN2

#35 Vanderbilt Jr. RHP Chris “McBain” McElvain (3-0; 2.49 ERA)

vs. #33 South Cackalacky Jr. RHP Noah “The Flood” Hall (0-3, 8.55 ERA)

Friday @ 6:00pm CT on SECN+

#20 Vanderbilt Fr. LHP Carter “Southpaw Sonny Gray” Holton (4-0; 2.10 ERA)

vs. #32 South Cackalacky So. RHP Will “The Colonel’s Fried Bucket of Game Penises” Sanders (3-1, 3.64 ERA)

Saturday @ 1:00pm CT on SECN+

Vanderbilt RHP/LHP ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

*#29 Jr. RHP Nick Maldonado (1-1, 1.50 ERA) missed his last two starts with an oblique injury. No word yet if he is ready to return this weekend. If not Maldo, it will be another Johnny Wholestaff Game Three likely featuring Hunter Owen and/or Pat Reilly.

vs. #29 South Cackalacky Fr. LHP Matthew “Ted Danson’s Worst TV Role” Becker (1-1, 2.65 ERA)

The Lineup

1 cf 51 Enrique Bradfield Jr L .347

2 3b 11 Davis Diaz R .382

3 rf 34 Spencer Jones L .371

4 c 12 Dominic Keegan R .437

5 lf 19 Troy LaNeve L .176

6 dh 16 Jack Bulger R .242

7 ss 9 Carter Young B .324

8 2b 6 Tate Kolwyck R .333

9 1b 25 Parker Noland L .250

See you in the comments.