Vanderbilt hosts South Carolina on Saturday, and the last time Vanderbilt beat South Carolina, uh, I was a student at Vanderbilt.
Yeah, it’s been a minute. It’s hard to decide which was the worst: the 2015 game where Johnny McCrary threw four interceptions and lost to the South Carolina team so bad that it pushed Steve Spurrier into retirement, the game the following year that Derek Mason made a “planned quarterback switch” and threw backup Wade Freebeck out there for no reason in a 13-10 loss, or last year’s game when a graduate assistant drove the Gamecocks 75 yards for the winning touchdown.
So, uh, do the writers think that we’ll end the 13-game losing streak to South Carolina? Or the SEC losing streak that currently sits at... ah, fuck it, I’ve lost count, but it’s in the 20s?
Were I simply ignoring everything that has happened over the last 13 years, I would pick Vanderbilt to win this game. Spencer Rattler is somewhere beneath the Spencer Rattler who lost the starting gig at Oklahoma last season, running back MarShawn Lloyd reportedly might miss the game, Vanderbilt got to heal up a bit over the bye week, and South Carolina just lost 23-10 to Missouri at home.
However, I cannot simply ignore that South Carolina appears to have cast some sort of hex on us, and therefore the pick is South Carolina.
The Pick: South Carolina 31, Vanderbilt 27, with something really stupid and/or unlucky deciding the game
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Florida beats TEXAS A&M, and Jimbo goes to his postgame press conference and says “What are you gonna do, fire me?”
Andrew VU ‘04
Oh great, it’s Penis Curse week. A curse that has lasted 13 years, and was nearly broken with last year’s Vanderbilt feetball team—possibly the worst one we’ve had since the... other worst ones we’ve had. Certainly the worst one we’ve had in the years spanning this streak (from 2009 until the present). This year’s Gridiron Dores are better than last year’s—no one should be debating this—but sadly, the 2022 South Cackalacky Game Penises are also better than their 2021 iteration.
They’re 5-3, with what looked to be signature wins over The Kentucky Fightin’ Jamal Mashburn Jerseys as Wedding Tuxedos and the aTm Cult of Jimbo Fisher Trying to Force Texas Oil Billionaires to Pay Him a $90 Million Buyout.
Those wins looked better then than now, of course.
Instead, let’s focus only on Missourah (spits).
When we last stepped onto the gridiron two weeks back, we were a few missed Watchman field goals from notching our first SEC victory of the New Bald Coach era. We fell short 17-14.
Surely a Game Penis Squadron who beat Kentucky surely fared better against the Big XII team we refuse to recognize this past week, right?
Missourah (spits) beat the Penises 23-10.
Therefore, by the transitive property, I will pick...
The Pick: Nope. The South Cackalacky Game Penises 30 - The Vanderbilt Gridiron Dores 22. That damned Penis Curse, man...
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Kentucky continues the Will Levis Draft Stock Death Spiral, as the Big XII school we refuse to recognize keeps them from being bowl eligible for one more week (spits).
The weather is going to suck tomorrow. By game time, the winds will be down to about 10 MPH with 15 MPH gusts, and It is probably going to be raining. South Carolina is also potentially going to be without their starting RB MarShawn Lloyd. He is their only rusher with more than 20 carries on the season over 3.0 YPC. Spencer Rattler has thrown 5 TDs and 9 INTs while being sacked 18 times. Basically, Vanderbilt’s defense will have no excuses for giving up more than 2 or 3 TDs.
South Carolina is very good against the pass (31st in FBS at 196 yards against per game) but not so good against the run (96th in FBS at 165 yards per game). Vanderbilt’s OL has mostly avoided giving up negative plays as I have gone over a few times in Lessons. The Dores should be able to stay on schedule, so it will depend on whether AJ Swann can struggle through the elements to provide enough through the air.
If we were not cursed against SC, this would be an easy pick for me. As it is...
The Pick: Vanderbilt 28, South Carolina 24
The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Let’s get weird. Mississippi State has had a couple rough games in a row with a 10-point loss to Kentucky and 24-point loss to Alabama. Auburn fired Bryan Harsin and has former RB Cadillac Williams as the new interim. The favorite son is going to win his first game at the helm.