Saturday Predictions: Tennessee at Vanderbilt

We have reached it, the final game of the regular season, the RIVALRY GAME, but contrary to our expectations... there is bowl eligibility on the line! With a win Saturday night, Vanderbilt can go to beautiful Birmingham, Alabama... or possibly Tampa for the Bad Boy Mowers Gasparilla Bowl.

So do our writers think that’s going to happen? Let’s find out!

Tom Stephenson

Yeah, Tennessee let an offense led by Spencer Rattler hang 63 on them, and not even in like a Beamerball way where three of those touchdowns came on special teams plays or the Turnover Fairy. Also, Tennessee will be sending Joe Milton in to Nashville, and as much as Vol Twitter insists that he has improved, let’s just say that Anthony Richardson throwing the hail mary on the final play of the game (which Florida should not have gotten) ten rows into the stands is good preparation for Joe Milton.

Vanderbilt is winning this game, and I will not hear any argument to the contrary.

The Pick: Vanderbilt 42, Tennessee 31

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Aside from that? Louisville (+2.5) is going to make KENTUCKY wear that massive extension they just gave Mark Stoops.

Andrew VU ‘04

You know how the past two games have been impossible to predict? Well this one is even less possible, whilst being, at the same time, more impossible. The Gridiron Dores are one game away from bowl eligibility. The Wigsphere Buttchuggers are one game removed from the possibility of making the playoffs. We’re ascending; they drink with their asses. Still, they had been stomping all over the SEC until last week, whereas we have just begun to stomp over the likes of the Jamal Mashburn Wedding Jerseys and Jortsville Jorts.

As we all know, last week, the Chuggers suffered a 63-38 cock-slapping at the hands of the Rattler-Snake and the South Cackalacky Game Penises.

As we all even more knowingly know, I said this in the mail bag to a question I now forget:

The scuttlebutt out of Buttchugger-land is that prior to their all-time implosion against The Game Penises—and Hendon Hooker tearing his Tendon Hooker (I know the ACL is a ligament, but “Ligament Hooker” lacks the witty wordplay I require)—is that a Buttchugging defender (LB Jeremy Banks) disrespected the logo (likely stepped on it). That chugger proceeded to punch Hooker (allegedly) after Hooker did the “Team Captain upholds team culture” correct thing and got in his face about stepping on the logo in the locker room. In hockey, if someone so much as even touches the logo in the locker room, those French Canadians, Norsemen, and people named Jonesy will straight up cut a bitch with their skate blade. All this before what was ostensibly a “win and you’re in the playoffs” type game. OO!

In short, whereas The New Bald Coach Clark Lea excised his clubhouse cancer (DBs Coach Tinfoil Hat McThirdReich) and has his team playing their best football in years, Chugger coach Bobby Hill all grown up lost his Elder Statesman Transfer Heisman QB that has had about as much an effect on the Orange Team to the East’s feetball success as did Joe Burrow in the same role with LSU in ‘19, and has defenders stomping logos and punching captains (same dude, but still). Short of Old Man Bobby Hill putting on the uniform and a cape on the sidelines, we’ll have the team cohesion and QB advantage in this one.

Oh, and Mike Wright has basically played like a much faster Patton Robinette these past few weeks. The Hypothesis keeps getting confirmed in double-blind tests, as well.

What does all of that mean? You’re asking the wrong person.

The Pick: Vanderbilt 31 - Buttchuggers 34

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Clanga over Ole Piss in the Via Con Dios Lane “Bryant” Kiffin Egg Bowl. Just because this will be published after it happened doesn’t mean I didn’t call it.

Patrick Sawyer

As I said in the mailbag, I am very unsure of this game. One team is going to win comfortably, but I cannot decide which team is going to be on the good side. Vanderbilt with Mike Wright can make big plays, and Tennessee has been susceptible to them all year but were especially so against South Carolina. The Viles offense can also make big plays while Vanderbilt’s defense has susceptible to them, even if the Dores are better at limiting them lately.

I could flip a coin, or I could act like “real media” in Knoxville and just open root for the team I “cover.”

The Pick: Vanderbilt 41, THEM 28

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Mississippi State is going to send Lane Kiffin off to Auburn with a loss. Oh, and Cadillac is going to beat Saban! Let’s get weird for rivalry week!

Cole Sullivan

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The Pick: blah

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: blah