Look, you all know the “amateur” part of college athletics is over, right (and it’s debatable whether it ever actually existed)? The planet’s on fire, Jeff Bezos is spending the GDP of Guam to fire himself into space in a giant penis, wood costs $1,000 per slice... might as well add one of the worst rivalries in the world into our sports media bundle athletic conference so everyone in Slaughterville, Bushyhead, and Frogville, Oklahoma has to buy the SEC Network in their basic cable, right?

Tom covered why you, the Vanderbilt fan, should not want this to happen. No, it’s not only because of this SECN proposed pod:

But seriously, kill that pod. Kill it with fire.

So we all agree that this would be horse shit, right? Good. Regardless, like pretty much everything in this dystopian hellscape, I now fully expect it will happen. So if this horror show goes forth, what would be the fun parts of it? Let’s examine:

Point One: It Would Be Objectively Hilarious to see OU Turn Into a Mid-Pack SEC Team

You may or may not know that I currently live in Texas’s hat, but let me tell you something: if you listen to sports radio around here, you can only conclude that their SEC inferiority complex is bigger than Texas (or bigger than Texas’s false sense of superiority, if you will). Seriously, there is nothing an Oklahoman fears more than being irrelevant. Move to the SEC and you’re immediately about as relevant nationally as... let’s say Senator James Lankford.

AP

Maybe they get to The Gainesville Jorts’ level of consistent top third finishes, but is that better than where they currently are, getting one of the four BCS slots by default as they run roughshod over the Big XII?

No. Just no.

It’s worse for branding, it’s worse for the fanbase’s sense of pride, and, most of all, it’s going to be worse for their record. They’re not a consistent zero to one loss team against SEC foes. No one but Bama is.

Back to the local sports talk radio SEC inferiority pathology for a minute. Pretty much every caller and radio host says the following every year: “You see the type of defensive talent they have in the SEC. We’re just not getting those type of recruits in the Big XII.”

Now, they follow that up by sacrificing a goat to Baker Mayfield or some such nonsense, but think about that. They think that the thing that’s stopping them from putting together size/speed Championship level defenses is the conference they’re in, and only the conference they’re in.

How’d that work out for aTm?

(pause for laughter)

Beyond that, moving to the SEC would be purely a feetball move, as their baseball team’s about to turn into Missourah (spits) in our meat-grinder of a baseball conference. They would actually be downgrading a bit in terms of conference strength in shooty hoops.

We all know schools only realign conferences for feetball and feetball based money, right? Good.

Point Two: It Would Be Even More Objectively Hilarious to see Tejas Turn Into a Mid-Pack SEC Team That is Worse Than OU

Take everything I said about OU, but amplify it by Tejas being not exactly great at feetball since Vince Young scored a 6 on the Wonderlich. Do we want another “Feels like ‘98” style fanbase in our conference? Absolutely not. Will it be hilarious to see their tears yearly? Absolutely yes.

Will Tejas likely see a lateral move financially with the loss of The LongFedora Network, and no longer be able to push around the rest of the schools in their conference, thereby making all of this moot?

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

(breathes)

Hahahahahahahahahahaha.

Of course, Tejas actually makes our baseball conference even stronger, and that’s kind of disturbing, really. But that’s a topic for a different day.

For now, let’s just laugh.