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Week 14 Series Preview: vs. The University of Kentucky Fightin’ Blue Balls

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The Dores enter the last week of regular season play 1⁄2 game behind THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED in the East. They get The Game Penises; we get The Blue Balls. They’re on the road; we’re at home. We’ll need a sweep. Let’s do this.

Turners Smile Circus Perform For Residents Throughout Louisville
I swear to you, I typed “Kentucky Baseball” into the Getty Images search. This was the 5th image down. Not a one of them was of the baseball team.
Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

Week Fourteen (5/20-5/22): vs. The University of Kentucky Fightin’ Blue Balls

2020 Record: 28-10 (11-16 SEC). The Blue Balls are coming off a series sweep at home against The South Cackalacky Game Penises. However, they did squeeze out a game one win against The Jorts two weeks back and a game two victory over THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED the week before that. Their best SEC weekends were a sweep of the Auburn War Tigers and taking 2 of 3 from the Ramajama Gumps. They also took 2 of three from Missourah (spits) in the SEC-Big XII Challenge.

Player to Watch: The Fightin’ Blue Balls did not lose anyone to the draft, but that was mostly because there wasn’t any draft eligible player on their team worthy of a lot of MLB scouting attention.

Coming into this season, I thought there was one key player to watch:

There is someone MLB teams will likely start watching pretty soon, though, and that’s #1 So. OF John “The Colossus” Rhodes. The Colossus was the Collegiate Baseball News 2020 Co-Freshman of the Year, and his numbers tell the whole story. Rhodes slashed .426/.485/.672 with 10 2Bs.

The Colossus has been anything but in 2021. Though he has started all 48 games, he’s batting .236/.380/.483 with 13 2B and 10 HR. In other words, he’s been boom or bust.

Similarly, on the pitching side, no one really scares you, and the one typical crafty lefty Vandy Killer—#50 Sr. LHP Mason Hazelwood (3-0, 2.13 ERA)—is out for the year after shaking hands with Tommy John over a month ago.

Case in point: their current Ace is #16 So. RHP Cole “Because I could not Stupp for Death, he kindly Stupped for me” Stupp (4-5, 4.98 ERA).

Confidence Level: High.


Fun With Seeding for Hoover

The Diamond Dores are 12 game back of THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED for the top spot in the SEC East (damned weather cancelling a relatively easy win over the Ramajama Gumps on 5/8). We’ve got a pretty bad Kentucky team at home; they’ve got a pretty good South Cackalacky Game Penis team on the road.

Beyond that, Arky has a 1 & 12 game lead on us for the overall SEC Tourney #1 seed, and is 2 games up on Clanga in the West. Arky has a streaking Jorts team at home; Clanga is on the road against a pretty meh Ramajama Gumps.

This could get interesting.

As such, our team should put all of that out of their heads and focus on winning each game in front of them. Us fans, though? Let’s play around with math.

To Get the #1 Overall Seed

Option 1: Vanderbilt sweeps Kentucky to go 20-9. Arky would need to either go 1-2 in the series against The Jorts, or get swept. THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED need to lose at least one to The South Cackalacky Game Penises.

Option 2: Well, there really is no option 2, as if Vanderbilt wins the series 2-1 over Kentucky to go 19-10, Arky would need to get swept by The Jorts for us to eclipse their current 19 wins, and that would put The Jorts at 20-10 (edging us out by 12 a game).

To get the #1 Seed in The East

Option 1: Vanderbilt sweeps Kentucky to go 20-9. THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED need to lose at least one to The South Cackalacky Game Penises. It doesn’t matter what The Jorts do.

Option 2: Vanderbilt wins the series 2-1 over Kentucky to go 19-10, Arky would need to get at least 1 win over The Jorts, and THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED need to lose the series to The South Cackalacky Game Penises.

Option 3: Vanderbilt loses the series 1-2 to Kentucky to go 18-11, Arky would need to sweep The Jorts, and THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED need to be swept by The South Cackalacky Game Penises.