Quick Recap of Opening Night

Yes, Opening Day was last night, and Opening Day is today, too. Words are meaningless. Time is a construct. Life is pain. We are all Ned Ryerson.

In game one, Max Scherzer and Gerrit Cole set the radar guns on fire, and Stanton hit one to Alexandria, but the real story here was the game getting rained out in the 6th. We had to wait for almost four months for Opening Day. Of course there was going to be rain. That’s peak baseball. Oh, and the Yanks won 4-1.

In game two, Yaz opened the season 3-3 off a tall Shawn White (except one of them was erroneously, in my book, ruled an error, and he was Kd in AB #4 to officially go 2-4 on the night), but the Los Angeles Dodgers Superteam just bludgeoned the San Fransisky Garlic Fries 8-1.

But that wasn’t the highlight of the game. This was.

Odds and Ends

There were a million such jokes on Twitter, but I submit that one had the most pizzazz.

Okay... I am 100% down for this. I also think at least one of them should be a person dressed as Waldo, and have been contemplating spending good money to get Ken Bone on a cardboard cutout, so we can all play a live game of Guess Who?

Today’s Featured Games

Game 1: Atlanta Braves vs. New York Mets—3pm CT ESPN

Mike Soroka vs. Jacob DeGrom on the mound. Dansby Swanson’s hair in the field. Yes please (except I hate both of these teams with the passion of a thousand suns). With Swanson and Kyle Wright on the squad, I’m just going to have to get used to watching a lot of Barves this year, I guess.

Game 2: De2roit vs. The Reds of Cin City—5:10pm CT MLBN

Sonny Gray gets the opening day nod. Curt Casali is behind the plate. That is absolutely enough reason for you ladies to tune in. Derek Johnson—the best pitching coach in the world—will be pulling the strings. The Reds have a legit shot of making the playoffs this year, too. The Tigers? They also exist. Matthew Boyd will be on the mound for De2roit. He’s... a cromulent lefty, I guess.

I’m never retiring this reference, even if I am maybe one of three people who watched The Life and Times of Tim.

Thanks for having us on the show, Nadine.

Game 3: Phillies vs. The Jeter Fish—6:05pm CT (You’re going to need MLB.TV for this one, unless you live in either of these markets)

This one’s for me. Captain Coconut Oil is gone to San Fransisky and the Phillies have a real manager for the first time since Charlie Manuel ascended back to the hills of West Virginny to play the spoons in a porch jug band.

It’s Aaron Nola vs. Sandy Alcantara (whose name sounds like one of those horrible made up sex acts we talked about endlessly in middle school). The Phillies have an absolutely brutal schedule this year, so if they don’t beat up on the Fish, I’mma lose my damned mind.

*Note: The Jeter Fish finally signed Jake Eder.

Game 4: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Indiana University of Pennsylvania vs. The Oakland A’s—9pm CT ESPN

Oh you know I’m watching at least 9 hours of baseball today. If you stay up with me, your reward is Tony Kemp.

See all of you crumb bums in the comments!

Enjoy it!