Anyone else finding that the lack of human interaction/sports has them yelling out loud at their TV during cooking show competitions?
In week one, Moustache Joe went down when he stupidly listened to Brian’s Malarkey about making a clam and uni pizza (or something similarly disgusting) on a beach open flame grill. I don’t remember who won and neither do you.
Week two saw the defeat of Angelo Sosa, who made some sort of sweet coconut broth with a raw tuna penis lying on top of it (or at least that’s the impression the judges seemed to have of his food). On the plus side, Kevin Gillespie impressed the judges with his balls and took home the victory.
In week three, Melissa interpreted the “Rococco” Art Elimination Challenge by making an elegant lobster wonton soup, but really, she won the challenge because everyone else made terrible decisions.
Was it opulent? Sure. Did it exemplify the opulence of the Rococco art movement? Hardly.
What would I have done? Simple. I would have made the judges cover their heads to hide their shame from their God whilst I prepared Ortolan in the traditional French manner. Is it blatantly amoral? Of course, but there’s no crying in Top Chef—except, of course, every time the producers do a one on one testimonial where the competitors talk about that time their infant twin sister contracted bone cancer or some such personal horror that has nothing to do with the competition. To go full Rococco, I would have covered that sumbitch with mo’freaking gold flake. (drops mic)
That, or I would have gone full abstract expressionism:
...I call this dish “Jackson Haddock.”
(Throws a bunch of fish at the judges haphazardly)
Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.
Jaime was sent packing, and I remember literally nothing about what he made. Other than his neck tattoos, Jaime possesses nothing that would cause you to remember he exists. Let’s say he made mac and cheese with ketchup because honestly, who cares? He gone.
What will happen in week four? Will Pink Hair Karen finally get shit-canned for not making an artistic plate? Will Nini continue to go with dumb puns and/or food that looks like a steamed diaper? Will we all remember to drink our party liquors or take our edibles an hour before showtime so our comments are more creative? Will Joe Biden finally drop that backpfeifengesicht fopdoodle Brian Malarkey with a 6 foot length of pool chain wrapped around his fist in a Delaware community pool?
Discuss in the comments.
These are the only sports we have left. Let’s fucking do this, AoG.