Recap for Those Who Have Just Joined Us

Anyone else finding that the lack of human interaction/sports has them yelling out loud at their TV during cooking show competitions?

In week one, Moustache Joe went down when he stupidly listened to Brian’s Malarkey about making a clam and uni pizza (or something similarly disgusting) on a beach open flame grill. I don’t remember who won and neither do you.

Week two saw the defeat of Angelo Sosa, who made some sort of sweet coconut broth with a raw tuna penis lying on top of it (or at least that’s the impression the judges seemed to have of his food). On the plus side, Kevin Gillespie impressed the judges with his balls and took home the victory.

In week three, Melissa interpreted the “Rococco” Art Elimination Challenge by making an elegant lobster wonton soup, but really, she won the challenge because everyone else made terrible decisions.

Was it opulent? Sure. Did it exemplify the opulence of the Rococco art movement? Hardly.

What would I have done? Simple. I would have made the judges cover their heads to hide their shame from their God whilst I prepared Ortolan in the traditional French manner. Is it blatantly amoral? Of course, but there’s no crying in Top Chef—except, of course, every time the producers do a one on one testimonial where the competitors talk about that time their infant twin sister contracted bone cancer or some such personal horror that has nothing to do with the competition. To go full Rococco, I would have covered that sumbitch with mo’freaking gold flake. (drops mic)

That, or I would have gone full abstract expressionism:

...I call this dish “Jackson Haddock.”

(Throws a bunch of fish at the judges haphazardly)

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 2, 2020 | 7:21 PM up reply recs (4)

Jaime was sent packing, and I remember literally nothing about what he made. Other than his neck tattoos, Jaime possesses nothing that would cause you to remember he exists. Let’s say he made mac and cheese with ketchup because honestly, who cares? He gone.

In week four, Tom Stephenson’s wife joined us in the comments and repeatedly yelled, “FAT FACE KELLY CLARKSON!” She also joined us pretty seamlessly in her hatred of Pink Hair Karen and Brian Malarkey. For the coup de grace, she asserted that “Jen’s dish looks like throw-up” and Brian’s dish looks like dog food.” I nodded.

In the actual competition, the competitors continued to bore the hell out of me by making yet more ceviches and steak tartares. Nini did, well... this:

Is Nini using the Play-Doh kitchen?

With her purple play-doh looking gnocchi dough…

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 9, 2020 | 7:12 PM reply

Also, I’m pretty sure Stephanie Cmar called her dish a “Spiced Harry Caray.”

Lisa Fernandez decided to make Brussels sprouts, and it sent her packing, as I called immediately:

Making Brussels Sprouts?!?!

Are you trying to win a cooking competition or punish a child?

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 9, 2020 | 7:22 PM reply

So she’s dead now.

Oh, and Melissa won for the 2nd week in a row... for a 2nd soup in a row (Coconut corn soup, pickled garlic chives and puffed grains). She should probably win this season. She makes elegant food that looks tasty. Not Brussels sprouts, like Lisa. You don’t win friends with salad, Lisa, and you sure as hell don’t win cooking competitions with Brussels sprouts. Then again, people can only eat so much soup.

In week five, Gregory won with a Haitian pickle. Insert penis joke here.

Jen titled her dish provocatively:

“Ginger lemon love,” eh?

Sounds like Jen’s having a red headed lemon party.

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 16, 2020 | 8:01 PM reply recs (1)

More importantly, Malarkey nearly got sent packing:

Mularkey getting the loser edit

Finally!

Posted by DoreJam on Apr 16, 2020 | 7:54 PM reply unrec (1)

Malarkey’s in the bottom 3...

IS THIS THE WEEK?

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 16, 2020 | 8:06 PM reply

...but it’s 2020, and everything is terrible all the time always:

Wow!

Down goes Jen!

Posted by DoreJam on Apr 16, 2020 | 8:13 PM reply rec flag

They faked us out!

Jen goes home with her creamed corn looking lemon ginger something.

Bring back the Vanderbunt. Hire Nadia Harvin. Jeff Green travelled.

Posted by Andrew VU ‘04 on Apr 16, 2020 | 8:13 PM reply

What will happen in week six? Will Melissa make something other than soup? Will Voltaggio up the voltaggioltage and prove a worthy contender to Melissa’s Throne of Soup? Will Nini survive despite making her food in a children’s Play Doh Kitchen? Will Joe Biden finally drop that backpfeifengesicht fopdoodle Brian Malarkey with a 6 foot length of pool chain wrapped around his fist in a Delaware community pool? Will we all remember to drink our party liquors or take our edibles an hour before showtime so our comments are more creative?

Discuss in the comments.

These are the only sports we have left. Let’s fucking do this, AoG.