On Thursday, we all will receive a small respite from our pandemic sports drought, as the NFL drafts via Zoom. Having worked exclusively from teleconferencing for the past month plus, we all know this will be a hilarious shit show, and the old NFL bastards like Dave Gettleman aren’t going to have their laptop cameras positioned correctly.
With this in mind, I present to you a mock draft of the first round done by a pandemic crazed yours truly (Andrew VU ‘04) who is so starved of human companionship, he has taken to feeding, talking to, and naming the pigeons and doves who live on his balcony; Tom Stephenson, who repeatedly forgot it was his turn or who has already been picked; hired Auburn man DoreonthePlains who, when invited to participate, said, “You want terribad picks? You get terribad picks. Someone from William and Mary’s is going in the first round;” and Vandy Lifestyle Brand Manager VandyImport, who took DotP’s sentiments one step further, and said, “I should note that I know nothing, haven’t paid attention to college or pro ball last year, and will be throwing darts for any pick after the second overall so I can’t promise much. Then again, I could be like the dog that picks a perfect bracket.”
What follows is that dog (likely):
#1. Cincinatti “Cin City” Bengals (Andrew VU ‘04) - QB Joe Burrow
Andrew VU ‘04: First on the clock is me for Cin City. I’m going to make the boring and obvious pick here, as it happens to be the right one. I’ll give the Bengals that cocky shit Joe Burrow.
Tom, you’re up.
Why “Cin City?” Because “nobody calls it that.”
#2. Washington Racist Mascots (Tom) - DE Chase Young
Tom Stephenson: I’m also not going to overthink this. Skins take Chase Young.
VandyImport: I thought I had the Deadskins? I’ll trade you. I have Opinions. Having watched this team since 1990, I can tell you that Dan Snyder is an identifiable type: a young man who got rich on one thing and thought that made him knowledgable about all things. Generally, the best way to evaluate the Skins is to assume the stupidest possible decision commensurate with the facts.
But Ron Rivera is allegedly in charge right now, so I concede the sensibility of the pick. If Dwayne Haskins hadn’t played with Snyder’s kids in high school, though, this is Tua, bet.
Wait, I get to screw the NY Giants? I withdraw the objection.
Andrew VU ‘04: This devolved quickly.
VandyImport: I’m too sober to do this. BRB, apologies for the delay.
#3. Detroit Lions (DoTP) - LB/S Isiah Simmons LB Clemson
Andrew VU ‘04: I wonder if he’s related to Isaiah Simmons.
DotP: Faster brother. Dropping an “a” makes Isiah faster.
#4. New Jersey Gettlemans (VandyImport) - QB Tua Tagovai...something
VandyImport: Giants take Tua and dangle him over Miami, but forget to explain the plan to Daniel Jones and creates immense ill will that leads the Giants to finish negative-3 and 19.
#5. Miami Sound Machine (Andrew VU ‘04) - QB Justin Herbert
Andrew VU ‘04: Nice, Import! Gettleman is just that dumb! Dolphins don’t give in to Gettleman’s demands and take the QB from Oregon instead: Justin Herbert.
#6. San Diego German for a Whale’s Vaginas (Tom) - (leaves chat and is unresponsive)
Andrew VU ‘04: Seems like Tom and DoreonthePlains are competing to be the Minnesota Vikings and let their time expire.
DotP: But unlike the Vikings we didn’t know when (or for who) we were picking until the draft started.
Andrew VU ‘04: For whom. Tom... you there?
Andrew VU ‘04: While Tom is thinking... the Jacksonville Jaquars call up Import Gettleman, and offer Yannick Ngakoue and pick #9 for Tua and a 2nd rounder. What say you, Import?
VandyImport: I’ll have it. I’m drinking Nikka Coffey out of a Yeti and I’m dealin’.
DotP: Tom is trying to read mock drafts and having as much success as Deuce Wallace identifying coverage.
*Trade Alert* New Jersey Gettlemans trade Tua Tagovai...something and a 2nd rounder to the Jacksonville Jaguars for Yannick Ngakoue and pick #9.
Andrew VU ‘04: Seriously... did someone kill Tom? Or does he just not know more than 5 draft eligible players?
#6. San Diego German for a Whale’s Vaginas (Tom) - CB Jeffrey Okudah
Tom Stephenson: Uh, fuck. Jeffrey Okudah.
Andrew VU ‘04: Tom lives!
#7. Carolina Sex Panthers (DotP) - DT Derrick Brown
DotP: Carolina can’t afford to lose all the Auburn fans who became Panther fans due to Cam. With him gone and needing help on the DL, Derrick Brown is the pick here.
Andrew VU ‘04: VI, you’ve got the next two picks (Zona and NY Giants, respectively, as you agreed to my Jax trade).
DotP: Why are both VI and I picking for Oakland (Vegas) since they have multiple picks?
Andrew VU ‘04: Reasons. Seeing as no one gave me their preferred teams, I just went in order.
#8. Arizona Cardinals (VandyImport) - OT Jedrick Willis Jr.
VandyImport: Zona takes Jedrick Willis Jr. from Bama. The Giants take Henry Ruggs III from Alabama. If there’s a player at Bama who is The IVth, I’m taking him next.
#9. New Jersey Gettlemans (VandyImport) - WR Henry Ruggs III
#10. Cleveland Browns (Tom) - WR Jerry “Doug” Jeudy
Tom Stephenson: Browns take Jerry Jeudy. ROLL TIDE
VandyImport: I called for the Skins and Niners and ain’t got either one! I don’t have to take this from you, I’m already married!
Andrew VU ‘04: Just wanted to point out that perhaps the only position the Browns are set at is WR... DotP, you’re up.
#11. New Jersey Aeroplanes (DotP) - OT Tristan “Shandy” Wirfs
DotP: The Jets THINK not getting a QB killed MIGHT help, so let’s go Tristan Wirfs from Iowa.
VandyImport: Oakland offers its entire 2020 draft except for the *second* first round pick to Cleveland for Jerry Jeudy.
Andrew VU ‘04: The full Ditka! You can’t turn down the full Ditka, Tom.
VandyImport: I tried to make that case at prom. No dice.
DotP: As 1/2 of the Raiders draft team, I second the trade offer. Lol.
Andrew VU ‘04: The commissioner jumps in, smacks Tom in the face, and okays the trade without his consent. Tom, now you’ve got to pick again for the Browns at #12.
Tom Stephenson: Uh sure the Browns take the full Ditka.
VandyImport: WOOOO Browns are on the clock!
*Trade Alert* The Oakland Las Vegas Angels of Anaheim trade THE FULL DITKA to the Cleveland Browns for WR Jerry “Doug” Jeudy.
Andrew VU ‘04: While Tom is on the clock, the Eagles call and offer their 1st (21) and their 2nd (53) for #12. Cleveland will have all of the selections and never actually get to pick a player! Tom has one minute to respond, or I’m just going to push the trade through again...
#12. Cleveland Browns (Tom) - OT Andrew Thomas
#13. San Francisky 1849ers (Andrew VU ‘04) - (Trade Pending)
Andrew VU ‘04: Oof... Cleveland turns down the trade, but makes an excellent pick. They need tackles, as their o-line is ass. The Philadelphia Eagles call San Fran and offer their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd, and the Niners accept.
*Trade Alert* The Philadelphia Eagles trade their 1st, 2nd, and 3rd round picks to the San Francisky 1849ers for the #13 pick.
#13. Philadephia Eagles (Andrew VU ‘04) - WR CeeDee Lamb
Andrew VU ‘04: With the 13th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select WR CeeDee Lamb from the Oklahoma Sooners. For the first time in history, Eagles fans are happy with a draft selection. The city is burned to the ground in celebration.
#14. Tampa Brady (Tom) - OT Mekhi Becton
Tom Stephenson: Bucs take the large adult son Mekhi Becton.
Andrew VU ‘04: He’s a big man, and he needs a big Shredder.
#15. Denver Omelettes (DotP) - WR Justin Jefferson
DotP: Tom must have put a full Jameis squint on to read his draft board that quickly for once!
Drew Lock needs someone besides Sutton to throw the ball to, so let’s go with Justin Jefferson from LSU.
#16. Atlanta City Where the Players Play (VandyImport) - CB C.J. Henderson
VandyImport: Falcons grab Henderson, the Gator CB, unless somebody beat me to it. I’m in full drank now.
#17. The Dallas Buyers Club (Andrew VU ‘04) - DE K’Lavon Chiasson
Andrew VU ‘04: He was on the board. You’re good. With the 17th pick, the Cowboys select DE K’Lavon Chiasson, who promptly develops a crippling cocaine and hookers habit to fit in on his new team.
#18. Miami Sound Machine (Tom) - QB Jordan Love “From Up Above”
Tom: Dolphins take... ah fuck, Jordan Love. The Dolphins don’t have a quarterback right?
Andrew VU ‘04: Correct. They have at least 2 now, as they took Herbert at pick #5. Herbert and Love does sound like a law firm, though.
#19. The Oakland Las Vegas Angels of Anaheim (DotP) - S Xavier McKinney
#20. Jacksonville Jaguars (VandyImport) - Noah Igb- Igbio - Noah the CB from Auburn.
VandyImport: Noah Igb- Igbio - Noah the CB from Auburn.
Andrew VU ‘04: Na-i-na-na-ja. It’s not that hard.
#21. The San Francisky 1849ers (Andrew VU ‘04) - DT Javon Kinlaw
Andrew VU ‘04: The San Francisco 49ers luck out in their trade down, as the DT they need to replace DeForest Buckner is still on the board. DT Javon Kinlaw of the South Cackalacky Game Penises.
#22. The Minnesota Beowulfs (Tom) - WR
Justin Jefferson Denzel Mims
Tom: Justin Jefferson is still on the board right? Justin Jefferson.
Andrew VU ‘04: He is not. Never change (kisses Tom on the forehead).
DotP: Been gone for like 8 picks.
Andrew VU ‘04: Tom is STILL on the clock, as you can’t take a player who has already been taken, Vikings.
Tom: Fine, then, Vikings take Denzel Mims.
#23. New England Cheatriots (DotP) - DE Yetur Gross-Matos
DotP: Patriots take Yetur Gross-Matos. I just want Bill to have to say his name in that grouchy tone of his.
#24. The New Orleans Taints (VandyImport) - DE A.J. Epenesa
VandyImport: Aj Espensa, edge rusher from Iowa, CHA CHING.
#25. The Minnesota Beowulfs (Andrew VU ‘04) - CB Kristian Fulton
Andrew VU ‘04: MN takes CB Kristian Fulton from LSU, as they literally have no secondary, and DBs from LSU are good.
#26. Miami Sound Machine (Tom) - RB Jonathan Taylor
Tom: ah fuck it Miami takes Jonathan Taylor.
DotP: Does no one need an inside linebacker? Lol at Queen and Murray both still being available.
Andrew VU ‘04: Well... you can remedy that now: 27. Seattle (DotP)
#27. The Seattle Velvet Fog (DotP) - CB AJ Terrell
Andrew VU ‘04: ...and yet you chose not to.
#28. The Baltimore Season 4 of The Wire (VandyImport) - LB Patrick Queen
VandyImport: BAWLTEEMORE TAKES PATRICK QUEEN, HUN.
#29. Nashville Predators (Andrew VU ‘04) - RB D’Andre Swift
Andrew VU ‘04: Ah shit, I’mma do it... Tennessee stabs their Derrick Henry loving fans right in the heart, as they take RB D’Andre Swift from UGA, signaling that they have no intention of signing Henry long term.
DotP: I love it. Gives you negotiating leverage at the very least. And Swift is damn good.
#30. The Green Bay Town Owned Cheeseheads (Tom) - LB Kenneth Murray
#31. The San Francisky 1849ers (DotP) - OG Cesar Ruiz
DotP: I really wish there was someone from a stupid small school to take that mad some semblance of sense. Ugh. 49ers take Cesar Ruiz from Meecheegan.
#32. The Kansas City Chefs (VandyImport) - RB Ke’Shawn Vaughn
VandyImport: Kansas City takes KE’SHAWN VAUGHN, WE GOT ONE, ANCHOR DOWN MOTHER SWINGERS.
Andrew VU ‘04: Nice! And that ends it on a high note.
DotP: The idea of Ke’Shawn in that offense is actually kinda scary. I could see them taking him later for sure. 1st round might be a biiiit early. But I love it.