Settle in, teenaged girls, because I’m about to learn you good on the legend of Ted Skuchas. You know him as the unanimous Anchor of Gold writer go-to answer to the question of “Greatest Ever Vanderbilt Athlete,” but you may wonder why. He was a big, slow, relatively nondescript back-up center to some of Kevin Stallings’ best teams (‘03-’07) who averaged 2.8 points per game in his Vanderbilt career. As such, I would understand if you thought he was simply a perfect recipe of traits for a fan favorite, add in that many AoG writers went to college and/or grad school during this era, and chalk it up to that. If you think that, you would be wrong. Horribly wrong. Roman soldiers caught in Hannibal’s trap wrong. Jeremy Pruitt wearing his face covering like E.T. wears a blanket wrong. Former Florida basketball douche Matt Walsh thinking he’s talking to a beautiful Vanderbilt coed on AOL Instant Messenger wrong.
Now gather ‘round the baseline benches, and hear the tale of the time the Memorial Maniacs catfished Florida basketball player Matt Walsh, and upset #1 Florida in Memorial Gymnasium.
In his freshman year, human legend Ted Skuchas saw an unique opportunity to help his team upset the top team in college basketball, and enlisted a rag-tag group of lunatics known as the Memorial Maniacs to ruin the night of one floppy-haired Gainesville Jorts douche-guard. Now ol’ Skoooooooooooch had played high school ball with the Jorts star guard Matt Walsh. Walsh, as you all know from the chant, sucks. Young Skuchas was not a fan of Walsh’s entire personality, so he casually let the Memorial Maniacs know Walsh’s America Online Instant Messenger screen name: Plasman44.
Insert heist film montage here:
Now they did not call the Vanderbilt Basketball Super Fans the Memorial Maniacs merely for the alliterative whimsy. No, this moniker was earned. Amongst our ranks was a large-headed Italian fellow painted head to toe in black and gold, who had been personally reprimanded by the SEC refs every game for yelling vulgarities at an obscene decibel level. His antics were considered par for the course for the Maniacs.
With superior intellects, moral ambiguity, and the endless ability to procrastinate with respect to our schoolwork at hand, Matt Walsh (who, again, sucks) was no match for our online faux feminine wiles, and he came into Memorial Gymnasium floppy hair over jorts in love. Or lust. Probably just lust. Walsh does suck, after all.
During shoot-around, the floppy-haired Jorts douche was met with a student section holding large poster board printouts of our America Online Instant Messenger tryst. One of them simply had the picture of the girl Walsh (who, I cannot stress enough, sucks) thought was going to meet him after the game for some sexy parties, with an arrow pointed down at the man Matt “Plasman44” Walsh was actually talking to the whole time. That Maniac may or may not have spent the majority of the game blowing kisses.
Now I’m not about to go do any actual statistical research here, but Walsh was out of sorts all game, and couldn’t hit the barn side of a fake online broad. He was a black hole of suck that game, allowing our boys to pull off an all-time upset.
Ted Skuchas’ legend status achieved.
Walsh, you suck!
*Note: I would have regaled you in the tale of “Noah is Ugly,” but it’s largely self-evident.