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Saturday Predictions: The University of Kentucky (but not the Basketball team)

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Can Vanderbilt pick up its first win of the season? (Editor’s note: Hahahahahahahahahaha. No.)

Listen. You know we’re going 0-10. I know we’re going 0-10. Let’s pack the rest of this season with delightful gallows humor, as if you’re reading this article, you know you are going to watch this game, despite every ounce of reason within you telling you to do anything but.

So... it’s writing staff prediction time.


Andrew VU ‘04

I said it last week, but it bears repeating: Hoo boy, I am not looking forward to any more Mason era Vanderbilt Feetball.

This game is going to be a meat-grinder and we are the meat. Coach Stoops’ D makes life miserable on the opponent, whereas our “Defensive Genius” keeps losing DBs to the transfer portal. I see no way we win this one, but on the bright side, I also see very few ways we don’t cover the 17.5 point spread. Maybe you can bet your kidney on us to cover and get at least a cheap thrill out of it all.

Last week, I posited that Mason may well be fired at halftime.

Well, Mason was not fired at halftime, despite me giving the screen the malocchio something fierce. Guess I’ll have to go with the Touch of Death this week.

The Pick: Vanderbilt 10 - Kentucky 23. We’ll cover, I think.

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: POSTPONED (+1.5) over SEC Feetball. Seriously, people, the pandemic is completely out of control, and if you didn’t know that already, maybe more SEC games being postponed over actual games being played will drive it home for you. Gun to my head, I would take The Game Penises, but there is not a gun to my head, and I picked all three favorites to win in the Pick ‘Em (and Florida and Ole Piss to cover their spreads). Why lie to you fine people?

How about an upset from the list of games we picked in this week’s Pick ‘Em instead?

Miami (+2) is going to whoop the ever-loving hell out of the castrated turkeys of VaTech this weekend, and you can take that to the bank (where the bagman from 2 Live Crew or some shit will be there to buy all the Hurricanes turnover chains and whatnot).


Stanimal

This game is going to be so incredibly ugly. Like painful to watch ugly. On paper, it shouldn’t be a blowout though. If it is, then Mason’s defense is deader than it was at the beginning of the year (which is a distinct possibility because we now have starters leaving midseason). The Dores aren’t going to win this game, but they should cover the spread.

The Pick: Kentucky wins by two touchdowns, 21-7.

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: I’m going to take the Game Penises to beat the Admiral Ackbar’s out right.


DoreonthePlains

My expectation is a game similar to last week. Kentucky’s offense will have some success early then stall because they are bad. Kentucky actually averages fewer first downs (20.6 to 163) and fewer total yards (333.8 to 294) than Vanderbilt. The problem is (besides Vanderbilt’s head coach) Kentucky is very good at defending the pass. They are 32nd in FBS in Team Efficiency Passing Defense and allow only 212 yards through the air per game, which ranks 35th. The Wildcats have also taken away 11 interceptions, though 6 came against Mississippi State and 3 more were caught against THEM, so it is a statistic heavily weighted to two games. For Vanderbilt, Seals has shown a tendency to trust his arm and receivers a bit too much, so he needs to see the field a bit better avoid those giveaways, especially in the red zone.

Special teams will probably come into play and missed field goals (or not attempting them due to misses) could swing what should be a low-scoring game. Unless Seals goes off for his 3rd straight 300-yard passing game while limiting turnovers, I can’t see Vanderbilt wining this one.

The Pick: Vanderbilt 14, Kentucky 17

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Let’s go hog wild. Arkansas shows that Sam Pittman’s crack staff can soldier on without him, and the Razorbacks go into The Swamp to knock off the Gators in a let down game coming off the clobbering of Georgia in the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party.