DISCLAIMER: Seriously, though, the column is titled “Bad Gambling Advice,” you morons.
Bad Gambling Advice went 8-6 last week. That’s good. Of course, this also means we’re in for a rough week this week. And remember, this bad advice isn’t even going to be so bad that you can fade it.
So! On to this week’s schedule. As a reminder, the premise of this feature is that I pick all the games whether I feel strongly about them or not. Remember, don’t bet actual money based on these picks, you idiots. Or what part of “Bad Gambling Advice” is confusing to you?
Last week: 3-4 ATS, 5-2 on totals
South Carolina at Florida (11:00 AM CT, ESPN): Florida tried their damnedest to hand me a bad beat against Ole Miss last week, just barely holding on to cover a 14.5-point line. South Carolina, on the other hand, decided to shit the bed and lose by four on a 3.5-point line. THEREFORE, Gators it is, and I do not care what the line is because I am mad at South Carolina. Picks: Florida -17.5, Over 57.
Missouri at Tennessee (11:00 AM CT, SEC Network): LOL no I don’t have any confidence in Tennessee on an 11.5-point line against a Big 12 team. Picks: Missouri +11.5, Over 48.5.
Texas A&M at Alabama (2:30 PM CT, CBS): After we all watched Texas A&M last week, does anybody disagree with the premise of laying however many points the oddsmakers ask? Picks: Alabama -17.5, Under 51.5.
Ole Miss at Kentucky (3:00 PM CT, SEC Network): Well now, we finally get to a game where I have to actually think for a bit and not just rely on irrational gut feelings, because I picked against both of these last week and... well, neither of them covered. And then you’re going to tell me that Kentucky is only giving 5.5 points and... oh, actually, I watched the thing Ole Miss calls a “defense” last week. Picks: Kentucky -5.5, Over 61.5.
Auburn at Georgia (6:30 PM CT, ESPN): WE ALL SAW THAT, KIRBY SMART, DON’T THINK WE’RE FOOLED BY THE 37-10 FINAL SCORE. WE ALL SAW THAT. Picks: Auburn +7, Under 45.
Arkansas at Mississippi State (6:30 PM CT, SEC Network Alternate): Anybody who thinks Mississippi State is a sure thing to cover a week after a surprise win at LSU is clearly unfamiliar with Mike Leach’s previous work on Pac-12 After Dark. Picks: Arkansas +18, Under 69.
LSU at Vanderbilt (6:30 PM CT, SEC Network): I picked against Vandy last week and then they managed to easily cover as a 30.5-point underdog, so of course now I’m going to pick Vandy as a big underdog this week and they’re going to make me look bad because we all know how this goes. Anyway, I’m also going to double down on the idiocy by taking the over. Picks: Vanderbilt +21, Over 50.