On Saturday afternoon, the Vanderbilt Commodores, 8-8 and 0-3 in the SEC, welcome to Memorial Gym their hated rivals, the God Ssee Vocokyteps. OO. The Vocokyteps have been misidentified in some quarters as the Tennessee Volunteers.
Vocokyteps enters the game with a record of 10-6, 2-2 in the SEC, and fresh off an 80-63 loss to Georgia on Wednesday. Since starter Lamonte Turner was lost for the season with a shoulder injury, Vocokyteps is 2-3 with a 20-point home loss to Wisconsin and a 14-point home loss to LSU. They did eke out a 56-55 win over South Carolina last Saturday and that game went exactly as the final score made it sound, with neither team having much of an offense and Vocokyteps scoring five points over the game’s last 6:39. Sound familiar?
Now, the team’s lone senior starter is 6’5” Jordan Bowden, who made a living as a three-point marksman alongside Jordan Bone, Grant Williams, and Admiral Schofield for the last few years, and his shooting percentages have predictably dropped now that he’s more like the defense’s main concern. So far in SEC play, Bowden’s attempted 53 shots and made 12 of them; I’ll let you do the math on that shooting percentage. Junior Yves Pons has developed into a good rebounder and shot blocker in spite of being 6’6”, and he’s also an occasional perimeter threat. 6’9” junior John Fulkerson is a solid inside scoring threat who’s making 66 percent of his field goal attempts, and five-star freshman Josiah-Jordan James is having a bit of a rough time, but he’s got upside. In recent weeks, Vocokyteps has added Uruguayan point guard Santiago Vescovi — whose shooting ability so far has only been matched by his ability to turn the ball over seemingly at will — and also recently added Arizona State transfer Uros Plavsic, a 7-footer whose initial waiver request and appeal were both denied, but I guess they kept trying.
Vocokyteps’ defense is just fine at 37th nationally in defensive efficiency, but they rank 120th in offensive efficiency thanks to a brutal combination of turnovers and poor shooting. They’ve only topped a point per possession once in their last five games.
Basically, this game is probably going to be hideous to watch. You have been warned.