After back to back weekends featuring top 10 clashes, the boys have to be happy to head to Alabama. No. No one is ever happy to be in Alabama. Still, this weekend is a chance to flex on the last placed team in the SEC West, after going 3-3 collectively against top ten foes Georgia and Arky.
As a team, Bama (24-14; 4-11 SEC) is batting a Mendoza-ian .218/.315/.309 in conference play. That is... suboptimal. Let me toss if over to my fellow sportscaster, Chet Harper, for more in depth analysis.
Chet: Sweet Sassy Molassey! Get out the checkbook and pay grandma for the rubdown, as this Alabama team is tough to watch! Stu-manji!
Okay, Chet. With an offense averaging a paltry 3.5 runs per game in conference play, and the lowest slugging percentage in the conference, they have to be a team which relies on their arms and tries to squeeze out one run games, right, Chet?
Chet: Thank you, Stuart. Their pitchers say: “I’m not gonna pay a lot for this muffler!” But then opposing SEC teams say: “Sweet Sassy Molassey! You are gonna pay a lot! And the cost is gonna be prohibitive!” With a 6.30 ERA in conference play, in my book, you’ve got to get to White Castle before the weirdos show up! Stu-Pot!
So... they must rely on small ball, then. Hit-and runs, working counts, swiping bags, and bunting runners into scoring position? Chet?
Chet: Sweet Pappy Johnson with an erection, with an SEC low 8 stolen bases and 3 sacrifice bunts in conference play, playing small ball eludes them like a fat girl waving her trophy from the smell contest.
With our lineup and Fellows on the mound, you’ve got to like Vanderbilt’s chances in this one, Chet.
Chet: Austin Martin will say, “Hey, look at me – I’m a little teapot, I’ll run right up your dress!” and then JJ Bleday will get Happy-Go-Jackie on the big white guy like a donkey eating a waffle! Sweet sassy molassey!
You’d better watch what you’re saying, man, all right?
Chet: [holds up hand for a high five] You’d better watch what you’re saying!
Alright, look, that’s it. Listen, you’re done. Just get out of here. I’ll do the rest of this myself.
On the Bump
FRIDAY 6pm CT SECN+: RHP Drake “Safari Planet” Fellows (7-0, 3.18 ERA) vs. RHP Sam “Huck Finn” Finnerty (5-4, 3.50 ERA)
SATURDAY 8pm CT SECN: RHP Kumar “White Castle” Rocker (3-4, 4.75 ERA) vs. RHP Brock “70s Porn Star Name” Love (4-2, 3.96 ERA)
SUNDAY 1pm CT SECN+: TBA vs. TBA
In other college baseball news... it appears ADs in other conferences root for Ebeneezer Scrooge at the beginning of A Christmas Carol.
COLUMN: College baseball lost a major battle; we need to regroup and come up with a new strategy to get through to ADs. But those who voted against the 3rd assistant plan—especially in the big-money Big 12 and Big Ten—deserve the scorn coming their way:https://t.co/nJlzoXhxS1— Aaron Fitt (@aaronfitt) April 19, 2019
Arizona State Coach Tracy Smith nailed it in this tweet:
So the Council voted down legislation to pay a 3rd assistant in baseball and softball. Wow...just wow. Well, at least now you afford another admin position now. What a joke.— Tracy Smith (@ASUSkip) April 19, 2019
Those who work in academia know this is endemic of the greater problem with the contemporary university, and Coach Smith summed it up succinctly. Across the college landscape, tenure-track positions continue to become all but non-existent, whereas each college has likely hired ten new pointless administrators charged with choosing a name for the new lazy river they’re building in the time it took me to write this sentence.
Note that this was not even a vote to require schools to pay a 3rd baseball or softball assistant coach... just to give schools the option of doing so.
The SEC voted for it. Enough other conferences seem to believe even the option of a 3rd paid assistant is one lump of coal too much for the various Bob Cratchits and Tiny Tims of the college baseball coaching tree.
I’ll leave you with the words of Indiana University “volunteer” assistant coach Casey Dykes:
See you in the comments.