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Saturday Predictions: Vanderbilt at THEM

Can we make it four in a row?

Vandy vs. Tennessee death rabbits

You might have heard this by now, but the Vanderbilt Commodores have won three consecutive games against the Tennessee Volunteers.

Will this continue on Saturday? Well, the sharps in Vegas don’t think so, as Vanderbilt enters the game as a three-touchdown underdog against the hated team to the east. But for once, Vanderbilt actually has the mental edge. Tennessee has won four in a row and five of its last six, but they’ve largely been winning by the skin of their teeth, and without much offensive punch.

Can Vanderbilt make it four in a row? Let’s see what the writers think.

Tom Stephenson

On the one hand, I think Tennessee’s recent run has been a lot of smoke and mirrors. The Vols’ offense still isn’t much to write home about, and to the extent they have one, it’s mostly just “throw the ball up to Jauan Jennings and let him make plays.”

On the other hand, Tennessee’s defense is legitimately playing well right now, and Vanderbilt’s offense has looked awful over the last month against teams that are not named ETSU. Does anyone really think that Vanderbilt will score much on Tennessee’s defense? I don’t. I think Vanderbilt can keep this sorta close (meaning, cover the spread) but I don’t think they’ll win outright. Which is disappointing.

The Pick: Tennessee 28, Vanderbilt 14

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: It’s happening. AUBURN (+3.5) is beating Alabama. Why anyone thinks this won’t happen, particularly with Tua out, is beyond me.

Andrew VU ‘04

Ask yourself the following question: What would be the most Derek Mason thing possible? Besides mumbling incoherent nonsense about “the process,” taking a team whose colors are black and gold and exclusively dressing them in gray, and not using the top tight end in college football until the second to last week of the season.

Yes, yes, it would be doing all those things while losing to UNLV and yelling “I WAS BORN FOR THIS!” at an unsuspecting sideline reporter.

...but bear with me. The most Derek Mason thing possible would be to do all those things; use eleventy million ineffective quarterbacks; have the team seemingly give up on him, and then rally behind him, and then give up on him again; have fewer people in the stands on Senior Night than cups in the Kentucky fans’ cup snake... only to beat the goddamned Chuggers on the last day of the season as a 3 TD underdog, and somehow get yet another contract extension with an even bigger buyout.

You know it’s going to happen. I know it’s going to happen. Parlagi’s watching Sweetbriar vs. Vassar in intermural women’s Jai Alai whilst speaking in a Strong Bad voice and wearing Spock ears, and still, he knows it’s going to happen.

The three horsemen will be heavily involved in the offensive game play (like they should have been all year, con sarn it!), and each will find pay dirt. I’m talking 100 yards and a TD for each of Pinkney, Lipscomb, and Vaughn minimum.

So put away your celebratory Franzia ass funnels, Chugger fans... this week, we’re taking Guarantano down to our wine cellar to show him our motherfucking Amontillado. Four losses in a row it shall be. And next year, we’re going to be worse. Like less talent than Georgia State worse. Like 2-10 worse. You know what one of those two will be? 5 in a row! Put that ass-wine in your funnel and chug it, you Wigsphere loving bastards!

Derek Mason will never leave us. We will be miserable each fall for the rest of eternity. Our hets will be so soaked that many of us will die of pneumonia. But it will all be worth it, as no matter how horribly we squander NFL talent, no matter how many iterations of Karl Dorrell we hire to run our offenses, and no matter how many shades of Gray we have to live through, you will be worse, as you will have lost to us.

The Pick: THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED 35, Vanderbilt 38

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: Us beating THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED. (*2nd place goes to Guarantano, as I imagine he will be quite upset to have been walled up in our wine cellar.)


I have no idea how to follow what Andrew said. The short answer is, “He’s completely right.” However, there is like a 2% chance that THEY take out the frustration of graduating with a losing record to Vanderbilt...VANDERBILT and send us to the bottom of the Tennessee River like a burning Vol Navy boat before a loss to Georgia State to the tune of like 45-3. Except Andrew is completely right.

The Pick: Tennessee 10, Vanderbilt 31 (Look, the score prediction does not really matter when the point is the game will make no sense based on how the two teams have performed to this point.)

The SEC Upset Pick of the Week: War. Damn. Eagle. That Auburn defense is going to strangle Alabama without Tua. Unfortunately, this means we will not get to the doomsday scenario of a one-loss Alabama, one-loss LSU, and one-loss Georgia all make the playoffs.