Beer Goggles: Missouri

Opponent: Missouri Tigers

Brewery: Logboat Brewing

Beer: Jupiter’s Moons

ABV, IBUs: 8.3%, 80

A Missouri, the home of Anheuser-Bush, well kind of, but you know what I mean. The home of such gems as Red Bellies, BL’s, ‘Nums, Mich Ultras, Busch, and Natty. Here’s the thing, you all have had plenty of these superior drinkable beers. I’m sure you don’t remember plenty of them, too.

I have to give it to them. They are losing market share like crazy to regional craft beers, but they brew some legit solid “I’m fishing/golfing/grilling and it’s 100 degrees out let me just drink something easy and cold” beers.

Plus, their marketing is tremendous. Yes, the Budweiser commercials are the gold standard, but let’s talk about Busch Camo Cans. Or Natty Light Naturdays which feature a pastel fever dream can of dancing flamingos. Flamingos! Every now and then, if you are’t looking to get a little sideways with this kind of low brow experience, then you’re missing out.

But, let’s visit Columbia’s beer scene.

The two most reviewed, and well reviewed, breweries in Colombia, Missouri are Flat Branch Brewing and Logboat Brewing. If I didn’t know better, I’d say Missouri might have a tradition in the forestry business. Anywho, Logboat passed the giggle test.

Most of their beers are marketing dreams with great names (Bobber, Shiphead, Bear Hair) and wild looking logos. They are drinkable, meaning medium ABV and not too high on the IBUs. Considering this season thus far, I decided I needed something punishing, which usually means an Imperial Stout (or Double).

I had to scroll a ways before I found what I was looking for. Jupiter’s Moons is an 8.3% Double Red Ale with 80 IBUs. 80! Hot damn, I like when it fights back.

It contains citrusy notes, is packed with hops, and produces a bitterness that “smacks your jowls.” This reminds me of the bit on Cheers when Cliff explains why early British Colonials drank cold beer on cold days and hot beer on hot days, “to balance out your inside and outside temperatures.” That’s how I feel about the bitterness of this football season.

The conceit of this series was to introduce a beer from our opponent’s home town and then drunkenly explain why the Dores will win the game. I can’t do it no matter how many over the three drink minimum I am.

I mean, if Missouri carves up our secondary and runs through the defense like a Peterbuilt headed south on I-75, but continually falls short in the red zone, then sure. If we run an offense of the Wild Vaughn throwing exclusively to a snag route consisting of Lipscomb and Pinkley, then why the hell not?

Alright, I’m there. Red Zone foibles + video game offense = a Vanderbilt victory!