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There Is a New Contender For Mascot Who Will Swallow Your Soul

Introducing “Gritty,” the new Flyers mascot who has definitely participated in a hobo orgy.

I am the orange thing that lives in the walls.

After being smoked by the South Cackalacky Game Penises, absolutely none of us wants to talk about the Vanderbilt Commodores team of Feet Ball. Well, Tom does, but only to point out how horrible Mason has done against good teams.

No worries. I am here to save you from the nightmare that is the 2018 Het-Wetting Football Season, and replace it with a much worse nightmare: Gritty.

Today, the Philadelphia Flyers, for no reason whatsoever, decided to replace their decades old mascot of Bob Clarke’s missing teeth with an ayahuasca golem of the brief period from 1972-1973 when Jim Henson was an unwitting participant in Project Ultra.

I present, for the purpose of frightening your children into good behavior, Gritty:

*Note: This is so much more horrible if, like me, you can’t help but put this dancing nightmare to the tune of Rihanna’s “Rude Boy.”

Gritty is an... umm... spawn from a hobo orgy that took place inside the CERN Large Hadron Collider, and/or a keg of Miller High Life made sentient by the combination of DNA spittle from keg-stands combined with the nethers of those chugging it rectally.

He is a muppet of Mike Lawrence, brought to life by the electric current when the lights went out in Georgia.

He is... a really confusing marketing campaign, honestly.

Regardless, the Flyers have now overtaken the New Orleans Pelicans for the gold medal in the sport of “Making Children Wet Themselves in Stadiums.” This was not easy to accomplish, as these are the Pelicans’ mascots:

I’ll swallow your soul, Kenny the Jet!

*Note: I figured out how to combine both the Flyers twitter video and Rihanna’s “Rude Boy.” Enjoy.