JMatt Signs With Eagles

Jordan Matthews’ time in unsigned NFL purgatory is over, as he has joined the reigning Superb Owl Champion Philadelphia Eagles (*note: correctly pronounced “Fluffy Iggles”) for what one can only assume to be the league minimum salary.

Matthews was cut earlier in the season by Belichick the Merciless after injuring his hamstring in training practice. Then he was put on IR. Then waived. Then it was announced he was not put on IR or waived, and then he was cut. A thrilling course of events.

Regardless, he’s back dancing with the girl who brought him, as the former 2nd rounder of the Chip Kelly era will now play for Doug Pederson. Here’s how you can tell them apart: Both wear visors, but Pederson has a trophy, and not from the smell contest.

The Eagles are down to playing the Towel Manager in the slot, as the injury bug has torn through their receiving corps something fierce, so bringing back Matthews is a no brainer. Former South Cackalacky Game Penis Alshon Jeffery is likely out one more week, Mack Hollins is on the PUP list, and Mike Wallace was just placed on IR. Matthews has a familiarity with the playbook, as well, as he played one preseason with Pederson before being shipped off to Buffalo, along with a 3rd round pick, for CB Ronald “Terrence Trent” D’arby.

We wish JMatt many future catches and TDs in the city that needs to grease the poles to keep drunken revelers from killing themselves in celebration of sports victories.

Anchor down, and fly eagles fly.