While we all wait for the game to start (*note: kickoff has been moved back to 7pm CT), why not peruse the 2018 Vanderbilt Sports Auction currently happening? Because you don’t feel like spending over a grand for a Deep Water football helmet? Fair point, but counterpoint: you’re definitely going to bid on the bowling pin from our most recent Women’s Bowling National title.

The auction started yesterday, but dry your eye, pumpkin pie—you’ve got until September 14th to get your bids in.

Here are the five items you are currently trying to talk yourself out of bidding on, ranked in order from least likely to bid on to currently definitely bidding on as you read this:

#5: Game-Worn Commodores Deep Water Football Helmet

Current Price: $1200

Interest Level: None

Thoughts: Though they say these helmets were worn in the 2016 beatdown of THOSE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED (Nee The Chuggers), I can’t shake the thought that they might also have been worn in the HetWetting of 2014, and I’m not going to buy a helmet that gets my het wet. Also, for $1200, I could buy like 24 helmets and send them to Parlagi to sparkle up and add Nashville Hetwetters logos, and then sell them to all of you at a tidy profit. Not gonna do it. Wouldn’t be prudent. At this juncture.

#4: Authentic 12” x 12” Memorial Gym Floor Piece

Current Price: $200

Interest Level: Slim to None

Thoughts: Though $200 for 1 square foot of used flooring is quite tempting, the only reason I could gin up the interest in buying this would be if I got enough to floor the whole house. Also, like any office birthday partygoer knows, the cake’s not worth a damn if you don’t get a piece with letters on it. Come back to me when I can make my kitchen look like the baselines and we’ll talk.
*Note to self: Call contractor and get quote on sunken kitchen benches.

#3: Bowling Pin From 2018 National Championship Team

Current Price: $100

Interest Level: Split

Thoughts: Not going to lie, this is pretty sweet. It has the championship logo, the red crown filigree, and has been pounded into oblivion by the 2018 National Champion Vanderbilt Commodore Women’s Bowling Team. So, why am I not rushing to the ATM and yelling, “Shut up and take my money”? Well, I talk a lot of shit around here, and as soon as I saw this item, I immediately envisioned being bludgeoned to death by it by someone who doesn’t take kindly to me calling their team the South Cackalacky Game Penises. Not going to tempt Vertigo.

#2: Authentic Vanderbilt Locker #1 Used By A Current Professional Baseball Player

Current Price: $300

Interest Level: SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

Thoughts: This locker could have been used by Tony “The Man of Steal” Kemp, Walker “Iron Man” Buehler, Dansby “The Mansby” Swanson, Carson “The Florida Flamethrower” Fulmer, or any number of current Commodores playing in the pros. More than that, it could have been adjacent to Tyler “Turd” Ferguson’s locker! You’re telling me you’re not going to take out a 2nd mortgage to be Turd adjacent??? No. Literally none of you can tell me that. This will go for eleventy billion dollars.

#1: Authentic Vanderbilt Locker #2 Used By A Current Professional Baseball Player

Current Price: $400

Interest Level: ALL OF IT!!!

Thoughts: Do I know why Locker #2 is currently going for $100 more than Locker #1? No, but I can only assume it contains a game used comb, likely containing at least one hair from Dansby Swanson’s head, and I must ensure that only Vanderbilt’s Biomedical Engineering Program possesses Swanson DNA for the purposes of cloning. Also, Locker #1 would get lonely.

No, that’s too simple. It has to be bigger than that. Guys, this might be the holy grail of Vanderbilt sports memorabilia. No, it has to be.

It’s definitely Turd Ferguson’s locker.