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Let’s All Register for VU Baseball Prospect Camp and Turn it Into a Fantasy Camp

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Does anyone see a downside to this?

MLB: Philadelphia Phillies at Atlanta Braves Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

Bear with me for a moment. By now, you all likely know that the MLB is like 90% Vanderbilt pitchers right now (citation below).

You also know our fanbase has the expendable income and devil-may-care attitude to turn October at The Hawk into a fantasy baseball camp the likes of which have not been seen since Cosmo Kramer punched Mickey Mantle in the face. What we have lacked—until now, that is—is the tiniest shred of evidence that Corbin and Co will let us live out our beer soaked baseball dreams on the field he cares about so much, he caters to the grass like a dedicated bonsai gardener (*that it has long been artificial turf makes this dedication all the more impressive). All of those excuses are now moot—through one vague twitter ad put out by the athletic department. Today, we have that shred.

First the facts:

  • You can now register for the Vanderbilt Baseball Prospect Camp which will be held this October 27th and 28th.
  • Camp will feature two days of high level instruction by Corbs and staff.
  • Lunch will be served on both days.
  • I repeat: both days.

Now the wanton and irresponsible leaps of logic we will hold onto like grim death until proven wrong (and even then, we are good at finding loopholes, and, as continually proven by our fierce adherence to mocking Temple for their “Wet Het” campaign of 2014, the dogged tenacity to run a joke into the ground, cover it in potting soil, and patiently wait for it to blossom):

  • Dansby Swanson will be there.
  • The picture clearly implies this.
  • If not, we will summon our cadre of lawyers named Tom from their near-constant island beach vacations to file a suit so frivolous, Paul Manafort would pay $22,000 to cover it in ostrich skin.
  • A suit so ridiculous, it will bring forth a new law that will make the Guess Who? board game’s ad disclaimer “game cards do not actually talk” look reasonable by comparison.
  • Further, nothing in this ad specifically says this is limited to high school baseball players; ipso facto, our cabal of men in their 30s with too much free time on their hands and/or teenaged girls lining up to squee at Dansby Swanson’s hair should pack this event to the rafters.
  • Habeas Corpus, we can only conclude (and must hereafter demand) not only Dansby Swanson, but David Price, Carson Fulmer, Pedro Alvarez, Walker Buehler, Tyler Beede, Drew VerHagen, Curt Casali, Ryan Flaherty, Sonny Gray, Mike Minor, and at least three Tony Kemps (because he is our favorite).
  • Am I done? Not even close.
  • Cogito Ergo Sum Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc, we also demand to all participate in a triple steal with Anthony Gomez, a home run with John Norwood, a wild pitch with Tyler “Turd” Ferguson, and an official birth certificate declaring us all collectively to be one of the Harris brothers.
  • That, or we punch Mickey Mantle in the face!

In closing:

Football season starts soon, right?