Wrestler Kane Elected Mayor of Knox County

In case you were on the fence about it, Knoxville’s status as “heel” was just cemented.

Glenn Jacobs (R), better known as the professional wrestler/giant Kane, defeated Democrat opponent Linda Haney by a margin of 51,804 to 26,224 and/or via decree of J.R. screaming, “Mah gawd, he’s got a steel chair!”

No, really.

I know we’re supposed to leave politics out of these articles, but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, the Chuggers just elected the Big Red Machine to run their county/Sun Sphere that is now a wig shop.

His duties will likely include, but not be limited to:

• Trolling Greg Schiano for no reason ad infinitum.
• Misusing your/you’re when trying to insult Anchor of Gold Twitter.
• Ensuring there is a chicken in every pot and/or funnel in every butt.
• Revoking the democratic process in favor of electing mayors via ladder match.
• Appointing the “It’s still real to me, damn it!” guy Comptroller.
• Maintaining the myth that they have an active rivalry with Bama.
• Losing in 2022 to The Bludgeon Brothers.

No word as to whether he will wear a mayoral belt inscribed with “Champions of Life.”

In closing: