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Wrestler Kane Elected Mayor of Knox County

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You can’t make this shit up, people.

WWE Smackdown Live Tour in Durban
Mayor Kane.
Photo by Steve Haag/Gallo Images/Getty Images

In case you were on the fence about it, Knoxville’s status as “heel” was just cemented.

Glenn Jacobs (R), better known as the professional wrestler/giant Kane, defeated Democrat opponent Linda Haney by a margin of 51,804 to 26,224 and/or via decree of J.R. screaming, “Mah gawd, he’s got a steel chair!”

No, really.

I know we’re supposed to leave politics out of these articles, but Jesus tap-dancing Christ, the Chuggers just elected the Big Red Machine to run their county/Sun Sphere that is now a wig shop.

His duties will likely include, but not be limited to:

  • Trolling Greg Schiano for no reason ad infinitum.
  • Misusing your/you’re when trying to insult Anchor of Gold Twitter.
  • Ensuring there is a chicken in every pot and/or funnel in every butt.
  • Revoking the democratic process in favor of electing mayors via ladder match.
  • Appointing the “It’s still real to me, damn it!” guy Comptroller.
  • Maintaining the myth that they have an active rivalry with Bama.
  • Losing in 2022 to The Bludgeon Brothers.

No word as to whether he will wear a mayoral belt inscribed with “Champions of Life.”

In closing: