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Checking in with the Het-O-Meter

Following Vanderbilt’s bowl-clinching 38-13 trolley stomping of The Chuggers, has the needle moved?

Last we checked in with the Het-O-Meter, we had lost to a Big XII team we will all be deep in the cold, cold ground before we recognize. The Het-O-Metric pressure read “Damp,” which was about what was expected.

Tonight, after having both clinched a bowl bid and, best of all, tasted the tears of infinite Chugger sadness by ending their season, Punxsutawney Cornelius has crawled out of his burrow and seen his shadow. Has the needle moved?

Moved from “Damp” to “Dry.”

What Does This Mean?

Readings of “Dry” indicate perfect cromulence, or, in layman’s terms, a team which has performed precisely to its talent level. They haven’t overachieved, nor have they underachieved. They have achieved.

Based on roster Madden scores alone, this was always going to be a 6-6 team. With likely future NFL players in Shurms McKenzie, Ke’Shawn Vaughn, Bisons Lipscomb, Jared Pinkney, Joejuan Williams, at least one of the Odeyingbros, and a veteran offensive line, this team had enough talent to go 8-4 with excellent coaching, 4-8 with dumpster fire coaching, and 6-6 with perfectly cromulent coaching.

What Does This Mean For Mason’s Contract?

It will be extended. Whomever the new AD will be will have a tough sell to the administration to fire a 6-6 coach who has gone to two bowls in 5 years, beat The Chuggers thrice in a row, and runs a squeaky clean program that graduates its players.

Het-O-Meter readings of “Dry” indicate a 2 year extension at his current salary with a moderate buy-out clause (say $3 million). He will be given a pass for next year’s inevitable down-turn, but will be held fully accountable in 2020. Missing a bowl then would be the death-knell.

What Does This Mean for Fans?

Cancel those Xmas travel plans, ladies and gentlemen... we’re going bowling. Fans get a party weekend in exotic (checks notes) Shreveport, Birmingham, or Memphis. Beyond that, a “Dry” reading means you get to strut around at work, singing Rocky Top and kicking over trash cans, much to the bemusement of your colleagues who don’t know what “bemusement” means.