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Better know an SEC opponent: the Florida swamp-havers

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Vandy’s 1-26 in its last 27 against the Gators, which could technically be worse!

NCAA Football: Vanderbilt at Florida Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

The School: The University of Florida.

Record: 5-1 (3-1 in the SEC). Florida might be good again, which is...not great for us.

Ranking: No. 14 in the AP Top 25 and No. 16 in the Coaches’ Poll. The S&P+ ratings bumped them from 19th to 14th after handing LSU it’s first loss of the season (and playing Neck! God, if Vandy had a sing-along song we could ruin by adding unnecessary swears to the lyrics I would make the trip down from Wisconsin every week. Our stadium is an eight-minute drive from The Stage and yet ALABAMA is the one getting in trouble for yelling “FUCK TENNESSEE” during Dixieland Delight? How did we miss that one? Or have we been doing it this whole time but are just unable to hear anything from our 10-person student section? These are important questions).

Anyway, Vandy’s ranked 75th. Right in front of Toledo.

Mascot: Albert and Alberta E. Gator. Again, I ask — are they a married couple, or just brother and sister?

Location: Gainesville, FL. A magical swamp with a Hardee’s on every block, and they’re all run by meth-dealing alligators.

Coach: Dan Mullen. Don’t mind Dan, he’s just cleaning up the mess that shark-humper left behind. Mullen coached in Mississippi and isn’t Hugh Freeze, so he automatically seems like a good guy. But nothing gets out of the Magnolia State without a little shame attached. I give it two years before the first Mullen scandal breaks. Hopefully it’s something stupid, too, like how he rigged a catfishing contest to win over a three-star recruit’s dad.

Conference: The ESS-EEE-CEE. And you know what, just since we’re intimately familiar with the Gators, I’m just gonna pretty much reprint these next two lines from last year’s BKASO:

All-time vs. Vanderbilt: 39-10-2. Well that could be wors—-

In the Last 20 Years vs. Vanderbilt: 19-1 AAAAAAHHHHHH

The Last Time We Saw These Guys: Vandy held tough for the first half, then slowly crumpled in on itself to turn a 17-17 game into a 38-24 defeat. I get it. Sisyphus isn’t really in hell unless he gets that boulder *almost* to the top of that mountain, you know?

Is Vandy Favored?: No, but for the second year in a row, the Commodores are only a seven-point underdog. Of course, last year’s single-score spread led to a 14-point loss, so temper your optimism.

What’s that? You are no longer capable of feeling optimism toward anything Commodore football related? Welcome to the club, my friend.

Most Potent Offensive Threat: Lamical Perine came into last year’s game against Vandy with zero rushing touchdowns on the season and left with three. He’s got two touchdowns so far in 2018 and is averaging 1.4 more yards per carry than he did in 2017, which puts him on pace for (jots down numbers, does poor math) ...infinity touchdowns.

Most Potent Defensive Threat: Vosean Joseph had two sacks and 3.5 tackles for loss against LSU last week. Vandy’s offensive line is actually coming together pretty well this fall — Kyle Shurmur was only sacked once on 29 dropbacks against UGA — but when Joseph gets tuned in he can absolutely wreck your shit.

Interesting Fact: Anytime you want to picture your average, non-UF Gainesville resident, just think of Tom Petty without the musical talent, sense of humor, or a single pair of jeans without the ring from a can of Skoal worn through the back pocket.

Bonus Fact!: Gator fans got pumped up for this weekend’s game by, uh, hearing Tomi Lahren say a bunch of probably-racist shit.

If Florida wins, we: take solace in the fact our football players are extremely good and thorough writers.