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Where Will the Postseason College Baseball Gods Send Us?

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Where will they send us? Clemson? Louisville? Into a pit of vipers from which no light can enter nor escape? Or worse, Clemson?

Lady Fortuna, spinning her wheel.

The NCAA Tournament Selection Show is upon us in one day’s time. On that day, much like Boethius, we will all submit ourselves to the wind and pray Lady Fortuna favors us. But what is on her Rota Fortunae? Read on.

When: Monday 5/29 @ 11am CT.

Where: ESPN2

Popular opinion is that we will be sent to Louisville or Clemson, and I get it. If not, it is entirely plausible we still end up getting sent to an ACC team.

  1. We have the #26 RPI, which means we will most likely be given a #2 seed. A #3 seed if they want to be dicks. After flaming out against the South Cackalacky Game Penises in game 1 of the SEC tourney, we have opened the door for them to be dicks.
  2. The selection committee figures out the top 8 National Seeds first, the remaining 8 regional hosts next, and then DOES NOT order the remaining 48 #2-4 seeds. At all. Trust me. (See point 3.)
  3. In baseball, the NCAA selection committee pays way too much attention to geography given current transportation technology. For instance, the committee frequently schedules teams who go to Baton Rouge under the assumption they will be walking there. Every damned year, LSU gets the three other Louisiana teams, or the two other Louisiana teams and someone from Houston. The only year they didn’t match LSU up against some combination of ULL, SELU, La. Tech, Southern, Northwestern State, Tulane, UNO, Nicholls State, Houston, Lamar, the SCLSU Mud Dawgs, or the LouAnne Thibodeaux School of Cosmetics and Auto Repair, they were knocked off their cajun pedestal by the Stony Brook Sea Wolves. Never again, said the selection committee. Somehow, they will play Baton Rouge Community College and two beer league softball teams from Denham Springs this year. Book it.
  4. Though there will likely be four SEC teams who will host, the selection committee is not sending us there, so cross off LSU, Florida, Arkansas, and Kentucky.
  5. Actually, Stony Brook beat LSU in a Super Regional, after LSU had beaten three tee ball teams from the greater Baton Rouge area.

As per points 3 and 4, there are only a few potential host teams the NCAA will consider sending us to: Louisville, Clemson, UNC, TCU, Wake Forest, Southern Miss, or Virginia (*Note, I have no idea if all of these teams will host, but I’m going based on plausible host teams based on RPI and a phrenology reading of Kyle Peterson’s skull while he was sleeping last night).

Where We Will Most Likely Go

Louisville. Don’t even pretend we’re not getting sent on a 2 and 12 hour bus ride up I-65. This is definitely happening. You can stop reading now.

The case for Louisville is simple:

  1. They are the closest non-SEC team geographically.
  2. They’re definitely sending us there.
  3. Louisville is 47-10 (23-6 ACC) on the year, is the #5 RPI team, so will most likely be a National Seed, and is 100% certainly hosting.
  4. Hot browns and bourbon. This has nothing to do with the selection committee, but hey, there are worse places to go watch some ball games than on the Bourbon Trail.
  5. They have our damned barrel.
  6. Loki, the Norse God of Chaos, haunts us all.

Chances of Being Sent to Louisville: 100%

Where We Would Like to Go

Wake Forest. The Demon Deacons are 39-18 with an impressive 19-11 ACC record. However, I cannot name one player on this team.

  1. This is only happening if someone on the selection committee puts both Wake and Vandy logos together, yells “Nerd fight,” everyone laughs, and they forget to put them back.
  2. Wake, with the #15 RPI, does have a chance at hosting, though, and you know the aforementioned scenario is entirely plausible.

Chances of Being Sent to Wake Forest: 10%

Where We Might Get into a Sharks v. Jets Dancing Street Fight

UVA. The Cavalier Wahoo Fightin’ Pavins are 42-14 (18-12 ACC) on the year, and currently hold the #17 RPI. They are best known for being a school full of SAEs, and the place your parents forced you to apply to because it was slightly cheaper than the schools you actually wanted to go to.

  1. The committee will likely not send us there, as they know I will get stinking drunk, rip off my shirt, storm the field, and swing wildly at every damn Wahoo I see, screaming, “HAPPY PAPI?!?!?!” as I rain blows upon them, thinking there has to be a better way...
  2. They already did their “Nerd fight” joke with us and Wake Forest.

Chances of Being Sent to UVA: 2%

Where We Might Have to go to Clemson

Clemson. Remember that joke from Wayne’s World about Delaware? Clemson is that plus the cast of Deliverance if you veer off the highway and get lost. Baseball wise, Clemson has been in a bit of a free fall, but still has the #13 RPI, along with a record of 39-19 (17-13 ACC).

  1. Seth Beer is quite good at hitting baseballs.
  2. They have all personally met a man named Dabo.

Chances of Being Sent to Clemson: 25%

Schools I Don’t Feel Like Writing About.

UNC, TCU, and Southern Miss.

Chances of Being Sent to These Places: 5%

I know the math doesn’t add up. Shut up. Phrenology, like the RPI, is an inexact science.