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Battle for the SEC: Vanderbilt v. The Cocks in a Top 5 Battle

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The Vanderbilt Commodores (21-4, 4-2 SEC) face off against the South Cackalacky Game Penises (23-2,6-0 SEC) fresh off a manhandling of the Ole Piss Admiral Akhbars. In this three game series which can potentially determine first place in the SEC, we implore you not to suck, but beat the Cocks.

Yes, Getty Images has a plethora of cockfighting images.  I was surprised, too.  This one's from the Philippines.
Yes, Getty Images has a plethora of cockfighting images. I was surprised, too. This one's from the Philippines.
Luc Forsyth/Getty Images

Make no mistake about it: this series is going to be our toughest test yet.

The Penises come to The Hawk red-rocket hot, with sweeps against Arkansas and Ole Miss.  Worse yet, they have outscored those two SEC opponents 42-20.

In short, our pitching must be on its A game, Bryan "The Aluminum Foil" Reynolds must keep his power stroke hot, and Jeren Kendall needs to give Jobu his rum and break out of his strikeout-heavy funk if we're going to do damage against the boys from South Cackalacky.

On the Mound

Thursday, March 31, 7pm CT ESPNU

RHP Jordan "Top Sheff" Sheffield (3-1, 2.21) vs. RHP Clarke "Schmitt's Gay" Schmidt (6-0, 1.29)

This battle of the sophomore aces is going to be a game to watch.  Schmidt has turned into a legitimate ace this year, and has good bloodlines (his brother, Clate, is Clemson's Friday night starter).  The stat that tells it all is his 6 walks and 51 strikeouts on the season for an unreal 8.5 K/BB ratio.  He also has a 10.9 K/9 rate which is not to shabby, either.

Top Sheff has an electric arm all but unmatched in college baseball, so he certainly is capable of being up for the challenge.  However, he's run into a few more deep counts than he would like, so the game plan should be to keep it low and blow it by them.  He has to trust his defense and not get angry at the ump.  As a man who does few things better or more frequently than get mad at umpires, I know how difficult this is.  However, he will have to be locked in to beat Schmidt and his gang of Cocks.

Do I really have to explain Schmidt's nickname?

Friday, April 1, 6:30pm CT SECN+

RHP Kyle "The Movement" Wright (4-0, 1.37) vs. RHP Braden "Spiderman" Webb (5-1, 2.10)

Wright will have a similarly difficult matchup, but he should be the favored pitcher.

Saturday, April 2, 2pm CT SECN

TBA vs. RHP Adam "Hank" Hill (5-0, 1.91)

Not going to speculate on this one at all.  At. All.

Player(s) to Watch

The Game Penises have a trio of hitters who are straight raking thus far, so I can't just limit it to one.  Their lineup is the best it's been since they won two NCAA Titles in a row, and are lead by their 3-4-5 hitters: sophomore catcher John "Human Person" Jones (.384/.492/.616), junior outfielder Dom "DTF DTW" Thompson-Williams (.367/.471/.592), and sophomore first baseman Alex "Spear of" Destino (.352/.397/.528).  Each of the three have been wracking up extra base hits, as Jones has 5 2Bs and 6 Hrs, DTW has 6 2Bs, 2 3Bs, and 4 HRs, and Destino has 7 2Bs and 4 HRs.  Might as well strike them out, then.

See you in the comments (provided the rain stays away long enough to get this game in).

And to keep Arrested Development Week alive, I give you "Daddy's Got To Get His Rocks Off."