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Week 2 v. UIC Flames: Fire Bad!!!

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We both have put up video game numbers. I trust ours more than theirs. This will also serve as Friday's Game Thread. Follow along in the comments for caustic, pithy wordplay/descriptions of what's going on.

UIC Flames?!  Fire bad!!!
UIC Flames?! Fire bad!!!
SNL - Phil Hartman

This weekend, your #3 ranked, undefeated Diamond Dores welcome The Chicago Fire from MLS University of Illinois Chicago Flames for a three game set at The Hawk.  Both teams have been on fire (team's nickname pun rim shot) to open the season, as the Flames have not only started 3-1, but clubbed Texas Southern by a combined score of 65-24 in their first four games.

Somehow, this Major League Soccer team has been scoring at a Vanderbilt-ian pace, with their first four games (all at Texas Southern in Houston, TX) resulting in an 8-5 loss, and three slobber-knocker wins of 22-5, 22-8, and 16-3.  What the ever-loving hell, Flames?  Does UIC have one of the most prolific offenses in all of college baseball, or is Texas Southern the baseball team equivalent of the see-no-evil dumpster fire that is the UT Chugger Athletic Department's repeated response to sexual assault allegations?  Well, we should know by the end of this weekend.

Seeing as UIC has 6 players currently batting at or north of .400, and 3 more at or better than .333, I'm going to go ahead and assume Texas Southern is playing with 5 players, and that at least of them is a golden retriever whose talents are currently being misused as merely the mascot.  Put the damned dog in, already, coach!  You saw him dunk last week!

They also currently have 18 home runs, which is just untenable, and proves that not only Air Bud, but Kelly Leak, and likely all the Angels in the Outfield are just waiting for Act II to start to join the Texas Southern team.

I'll believe their lineup is the '27 Yankees when I damned well see it myself!  Until then, no dice.

On the Mound

Friday, Feb. 26 4pm CT SECN+

RHP Jordan "Stuff" Sheffield (1-0, 1.80) vs. LHP Jake "Roald" Dahlberg (0-1, 12.00)

Have to like our chances against Jake and his giant peach fastballs.  At 6'1" 205 lbs, he's not exactly a BFG, and his ERA suggests the junior southpaw is no Fantastic Mr. Fox, either.  Are you getting tired of this joke?  I'm getting tired of this joke.

Matilda.

Saturday, Feb. 27 12pm CT (Only Radio Coverage, as the Judds are in town)

LHP Ben "Dat Gun/Bowser" Bowden (0-0, 9.00) vs. RHP Ian "Trump's Campaign Manager" Lewandowski (1-0, 6.43)

Pay no attention to the bloated ERA of Mr. Bowden, as all of those runs came as a result of Corbs leaving him in an inning too long.  Through 4 IP against USD last Saturday, he was untouchable.  Then, inning 5 happened... and I don't want to talk about it.  Still, seeing as our bullpen is becoming increasingly solid, it's likely Corbs pulls him before he tires this time around.  If not, I'mma get angry, but then forgive him, because he's Corbs.

Do not expect a pitcher's duel, however, as Cory Lewandowski is likely going to be too busy laying the path to our country's destruction, planning the apocalypse... damn it, CDA, stop crossing out my words!  He's running the campaign that's making it not impossible that our country elects Orangutan Hitler Revered Businessman Donal Trump, and you're going to hear about it!  Point is, his mind is going to be on Super Tuesday, so we should knock him out of the game by the 3rd inning.

Sunday, Feb. 28 12pm CT SECN+

RHP Kyle "The Movement" Wright (0-0, 0.00) vs. RHP Mitchell "Old War" Schulewitz (1-0, 14.54)

Let's just go ahead and say for however many innings The Movement's on the mound, UIC will be putting up goose eggs.  However, I'm betting that's 4IP tops, as he's still recovering from an oblique injury.  Only VandyTigerPhD will get the nickname I chose for the UIC pitcher.

And now...

Deep Thoughts with Alonzo Jones (@ZoFast22)

In other words... balls, we've got 'em; women, confusing; and 19, an age some people still, unaccountably, are allowed to be.

See you in the comments at 4pm CT.

Hugs and Kisses,

VU '04