clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

New Head Coaching Candidate Emerges

New, 43 comments

...and we pray and we pray and we pray. Every day every day every day...

Hope or Change?  The answer: Ken Bone.
Hope or Change? The answer: Ken Bone.
Kenneth Bone @KennethBone16

Admit it.  As Vanderbilt football fans, and as a country, we are at a crossroads.  What we are witnessing threatens to ruin everything that we hold dear.  It is vile, disturbing, and responds to questions with a string of dangerous non-sequitur obfuscations.  And then there are the presidential debates.

Some of us are so sickened by these last few years that we're willing to blow it all up for the sake of change.  They want a football coach who is brash, bombastic, and unapologetic with regard to anything they've ever said to Billy Bush on an Access Hollywood bus.  In short, they want an Art Briles, Mike Leach, or Lane Kiffin.  And they want to grab them by the this coach hired now, if not sooner.

Others want the qualified woman who has spent 30 years in devoted service to the public (university located in Philadelphia).  They want a woman who is not just the Head Football coach, but serves as her own Administrative Specialist as she has her own email server, and doesn't trust anyone else to get the job done right.  They want Nadia Harvin.

And then there are the undecided amongst the Commodore faithful.  They don't know if we should prioritize strong defense over an innovative offense.  They don't trust Harvin, who has been under public scrutiny for her whole adult life, and they have serious questions about the change candidate's fitness for the office.  They planned to wear a nice olive suit to all of this, but they have gained a little weight, and split their pants trying to get into their cars. They want a man like them.  A man with glasses, a moustache, and a mother-fucking red sweater ready to step up to the plate and ask the questions America needs.  They want a head coach who likes to keep his options open, even when everyone else is taking sides and hardening their positions.  For this group, let me present Kenneth Bone.

Bone Harmony

Bone can keep the harmony in a room full of thugs.  Bone is a committed Christian who prays (and he prays and he prays and he prays) every day (every day every day every day).  Bone grabs the mic and spits hot fire, even though he misses his Uncle Charles, y'all.

Bone is America: The Man.

Bone does not know what he wants, but he knows how to get it.  Bone has spent his career in Mizzourah, so he knows the rigors of the SEC, but he also doesn't know it very well, because he's more of a Big XII guy at heart, but he's not ready to commit to that, either, so if you could answer a few more questions, he'd really appreciate it.

He's here to tell you it's sweater weather, mother fuckers, and also, who are you, and can he vote for you for president?

Bone does all this while starring in Toy Story 2 and being a spokes model for both Pep Boys and Guess Who?

Can he coach football?  He's undecided.

So... has Bone won your heart yet?  CNN says yes.

Bone for 2017 Vanderbilt Head Football Coach.  Because we're already Bone'd for 2016.