A Guide to Vanderbilt Fans (Post Loss)

Last Thursday sucked.  4 epic mistakes and a few more missteps resulted in a loss. This Saturday was better, but the result was the same - defeat. In those moments, Vanderbilt fans have a tendency to be "special".  We have not left you unarmed when trekking through the comment boards.  Along with some tips for engagement, below are a few choice highball cocktails to grease the wheels.

The Knew-It Fans

The fan that must define their online existence with stating that they had known weeks in advance the issues that would bite the team during the game.  Whether because of "SOURCES" or because they just know football really well.   They want to be involved and worry about being forgotten like Ralph Webb at the goal line.

Tips to engage: Avoid the bear trap of demanding proof or trying to find past comments to show their contradictions.  Invariably, pre-game, they made 2-3 vague statements that they can then use to defend any such stumble.

The Dark & Stormy

• 2 ounces rum -- dark rum
• 3 ounces ginger beer
• 1/2 ounce lime juice
• Collins glass

The Reading Rainbow Fans

"Obviously you did not bother reading what I said."

"That is not what I said at all.  Did you fail reading comprehension?"

These fans find themselves in an unending argument of who can read better or worse than they can.  It starts after they make a statement that immediately gets rebutted or proven to be hyperbole at best.  Then comes the immediate denial of the statement's initial meaning and a rephrasing that only uses about 25% of the original statement.   They, like the refs, struggle with the concept of holding onto something.

Tips to engage: Keep taking them down the path until they have completely changed their position and find themselves on the opposite side of the argument.

Moscow Mule

• 1/2 ounce lime juice
• 2 ounces vodka
• 4 to 6 ounces ginger beer
• Collins glass

The "You're Fired" fans

There are times when a change needs to be made.  For these fans, that time is NOW, all the time.  Fire the Coach, fire the coordinators, fire the trainers, fire the AD, fire the chancellor, fire the water boy, fire the fans.  Everyone is to blame for this horrific state of the program and everyone who disagrees is a Sunshine pumper, SOV fans. These fans have put their heart and soul into the team and want to see great things.  They just embody the fan's visceral reaction to watching a LB out of position on a simple slant and the constant arm tackling.

Tips to Engage: Feed the anger, enjoy the meltdown and remember, these will likely be the same fans who talk about making the CFP with whatever new coach that would get hired.

Spicy Bloody Mary

• 2 ounces vodka
• 4 ounces tomato juice
• 1/2 tablespoon lemon juice
• 1 splash Worcestershire sauce
• 3 to 4 dashes Tabasco
• 1 teaspoon horseradish
• Collins glass

The Romantic Historians Fans

These fans enjoy a nice pipe while listening to the talking box as they reminisce about times gone by and coaches that were.  Obviously the former coach would have done it better and shouldn't be blamed for any issues with the team.

"Jimmy's boys would never had committed so many penalties."

When these fans find their way to the Internets, they also bring with them their counterparts who have to remind you of the fact that the prior coach was using an older coaches players to win.  The slippery slope leads all the way down to a discussion of how Coach Elliot Jones was to blame for last year's Ole Miss game.

Tips to engage: Distract them with discussions of how to handle Standard Oil and theories on who stole the Mona Lisa.

Tom Collins

• 2 ounces gin -- London dry gin
• 1 teaspoon superfine sugar
• 1/2 ounce lemon juice
• club soda
• Collins glass

The Angry Ex-Girlfriend Fans

EVERYTHING IS FORMER COACH'S FAULT!! HE NEVER LEFT US ANYTHING!! WE ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM!!! PLEASE COME BACK, WE MISS YOU!!

These fans are still hurting and mishandling a snap on a gimme kick only furthers their pain.

Tips to engage: Block and Ignore until the moment passes.  Then show them the state of the prior coach's current team.

Mai Tai

• 2 ounces rum -- dark rum
• 1 ounce lime juice
• 1/2 ounce orange curacao
• 1.2 ounce orgeat syrup
• 1/8 ounce simple syrup
• Collins glass

The Silver Lining Fans

The Moral Victory fans who can take any bad thing and turn it into a positive.  Lose an arm?  Cut down on use of soap.   Throw a red zone INT? Well at least we were on the doorstep of scoring.   These fans find the good things in every situations, sometimes at the expense of rational thought.  Like ying and yang, these fans are like honey to the "You're Fired" Fans who consider everything to be horrible and without any potential benefit.

Tips to engage:  These fans have the positive vibes tuned to 11.  Find the happy medium between their world beater perspective and that of the "You're Fired" fans.

Sloe Gin Fizz

• 2 ounces Hendrick's gin
• 1/2 ounce Plymouth sloe gin
• 1 ounce fresh lemon juice
• 1/2 ounce simple syrup
• 2 ounces soda water
• Collins Glass

The Umm....Actually Fans

"Nope."  "Wrong."  "No." "That's is not true."  "Grammatically incorrect." "Well in this .000001% example, that is not true at all."

These fans find a spelling error, grammatical mistake or over-generalized opinion and becomes rabid on that point.  They dig their heels in and defend your wrongness like Leonidas battling Xerxes. This isn't malignant, just a coping mechanism to not address the fact that we lost to a QB with an arm sleeve tattoo. .

Tips to engage: There is no known cure.  It is best to simply leave them be to feast on whatever wrongness they have found and move on in the discussion.  Once satiated, they will find another to stalk.

Long Island Ice Tea

• .5 oz vodka
• .5 oz gin
• .5 oz white rum
• .5 oz Cointreau
• .75 oz lemon juice
• 2 tsp simple syrup (2:1 sugar to water)
• Splash of Cola
• Ice
• Collins Glass

The Gentleman Scholar Fans

Jerry Thomas had it right.  Life is much less interesting without a proper cocktail in hand.  These fans find that one's emotional state should not be dictated by the outcomes of games. Instead, they find the flaws that need to be accepted and the reasons for hope must be embraced.  We moved the ball well, gained more yardage than one of the top offensive teams in the country while we stifled them defensively and showed improvement on both sides of the ball.  But then we did not execute when it counts and that is a failure that everyone from the head coach to the third string punter have to carry and own. Ultimately, there must be a happy medium of emotion and for those times that we cannot find one on the field, we must turn to the glass.

Gin Rickey

• 1/2 ounce lime juice
• 2 ounces gin -- London dry gin
• club soda
• Collins Glass

These fans are our fans and no matter the sometimes insane rantings and ravings, we will still cheer on the University and support the players who fight with all of their might to represent the Black and Gold with pride and honor.  CONQUER & PREVAIL