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A Clockwork Vandy: Kentucky

Watching paint dry would be more fun, and less aggravating.

Mark Zerof-USA TODAY Sports

We felt better going into this game than we did any other game of the season.  Moreso than we did Temple, because we all had our hets wet by the delay.  There was something in the air that just didn't seem right.  After Carolina, our hopes for turning things around were high...

1st Quarter

Vanderbilt Ball, 2nd and 12, Vandy 15, ~14:10, No Score

CJ Duncan does a great job on a simple hitch.  Spin move up fields gets us 15 yards!  We're leaning on Webb too so maybe Dorrell has learned?

Kentucky Ball, 2nd and 10, Vandy 20, ~, No Score

Towles is destroying us.  I'm already mad because they're telegraphing these plays.  Our secondary is out of position, but maybe they're being put out of position.  Oh, and you're not getting off the hook, front 7, you've let runs get by you too.

URGE TO KILL RISING!!! (warning: strong language)

Oh my god, I totally forgot about this damned play.  Timmons very clearly fumbled before he crosses the goalline.  It's not even close, he's losing control at the 3-2 and it's clearly out before crossing.  It's so obvious even ESPN thinks we got screwed.  If you click that link above, you'll see I was much more angry at the time.

Vanderbilt Ball, 3rd and 4, Vandy 24, ~5:10, UK 7 - Vandy 0

We line up in a 3 wide ace set, which is met by UK with a man-nickel.  They're telegraphing jamming the X and Z.  CJ Duncan blows past the bump, the LB playing the mid zone, and takes down a great throw to him before he gets lit up by a S.  Man, we're gonna miss you Duncan.

UK Ball, 2nd and 9, MIDFIELD, ~ seconds, UK 7 - Vandy 0

You know what's a great idea? Letting UK just assert their will on us again.  Jake Sealand reminds Patrick Towles he is his own sovereign nation, which causes Towles to drop the ball before he is hit.

END 1st

I'm more interested in the fact that the yellow line is on about a 1 yard diagonal than the game right now.

2nd Quarter

I realize Mason couldn't just say the truth, but I feel like saying "Stephen Rivers looked solid" is just never something that should be said.  Nonetheless, SECN replayed some moment of him saying it.

Vandy Ball, 1st and 10, Vandy 45, ~13:00, UK 7 - Vandy 0

Jerron Seymour is here to remind me what a running attack of him and Webb would have looked like.  27 yard run and he just blew by the front 7.  This follows a beautiful catch by Rayford for 15.  This offense has flashes, just can never keep it going

UK Ball, 1st and 10, Vandy 9, ~10:20, UK 7 - Vandy 0

Mason sticks with the gameplan of getting the ball in Sims' hands.  Or Sims was just furious that he hasn't gotten a KR for a TD yet.  The result is wonderful, but dear god if Towles notices Sims just left his guy because of the stare down, that's 6 for UK.

UK Ball, 4th and 8, Vandy 27, ~ 6:20, Tied @ 7

Kentucky is just doing what it wants, taking 15 yards at a clip on passes.  We somehow stop them and they hit a FG in what is their first legitimate points of the game.

Man, say what you will about Dudley being a terrible stadium (it is), but UK doesn't exactly have a good one either (it's still better than Dudley)

UK Ball, 3rd and GOAL, Vandy 1, ~ 12 seconds, UK 10 - Vandy 7

I'm in a weird state of confusion right now.  It's about as confused as I was when I found out that people found the water temple hard in Ocarina of Time.  Why have we let this drive last this long? It's literally run-pass-run-pass-run-pass the whole damned drive.  It's flabbergasting.

END HALF UK 17 - Vandy 7


This is where I'd give some sort synopsis of the game.  However, I'm exhausted and just can't be bothered... it's late Sunday night and so I really can't drink.  UK's drives are all about ball control, which is the only reason why this isn't a more lopsided affair.


Wait... didn't the game end at 17-7?  Oh dear God... a whole half of nothing ahead...

UK Ball, 4th and 20, UK 28, ~14:00, UK 17 - VU 7, ~

This three and out drive would have been a lot better if we had capitalized off that fumble on the sack.  My real torture - watching no one score begins.  Then again, after being in a PhD astrophysics program, I'm used to watching people "not score".

Vandy Ball, 4th and 14, Vandy 44, ~11:20, UK 17 - VU 7

Webb runs for 26 yards on two runs to start the drive.  Then we do nothing.  This is a new and exciting development that not at all describes 95% of the drives I've watched over the last week.

UK Ball, 4th and 1, UK 48, ~7:10, UK 17 - VU-7

I am literally trolling our own readers on AoG right now I am so bored and annoyed.

Also, I'm tired of writing that score out every time.  The game ends with that score, I'm not writing it again.

Vandy Ball, 4th and 1, Vandy 27, ~5:40

Another stellar three and out.  Karl Dorrell is a nice guy and all, but I want to scream in his face about how need effing QUICK ROUTES on the field.  Especially on third and long and obvious blitzing down.  Oh no, more downfield routes that take entirely too much time to develop.  We can't run a 5 yard slant that would be brought to the sticks oh no, that's no good.

UK Ball, 4th and 14, Vandy 48, ~ 2 minutes

You know what, we really should have won this game.  The defense is shutting UK down and that's even with the offense just going three and out and throwing them right back out there.  Bowden especially, three sacks today.

Vandy Ball, 4th and 8, Vandy 9, ~20 seconds

You know what's even better than going three and out a bleepin gain after I just complained about it? Only gaining two damned yards off the damned drive.

End 3rd

I can't tell if it's just because I'm a grumpy old man, or I'm increasingly angry at this game, but I've these new neighbors in the building next to mine in my complex and they insist on blasting their shitty music late at night on a Sunday with the screen door to their balcony open.

4th Quarter

3 of the first 5 drives of this quarter are three and outs.  One of those 3 and outs was technically a bobbled snap that Lealao picked up.  The two that aren't are (a) 4 and out (Freebeck INT), and (b) Freebeck INT on 2nd down.  Here's my resume for being the 2014 VU OC:



  • Vanderbilt (B.S.)
  • LSU (M.S., Ph.D.)


  • Has thrown a pass once
  • Makes delicious baked ziti
  • Has gone undefeated 15 seasons in a row in NCAA 14
  • Doesn't run asinine plays
  • Will never call a bubble screen ever
  • Really good at throwing large plasma screens off balconies when Vandy screws up
  • Will never start anyone named "Stephen Rivers"

Vanderbilt Ball, 4th and 10, Vandy 20, ~6:00

We catch a break!  Jake Sealand imposes the will of a small micronation and forces the muffed punt with his mere presence.  We pick it up on the UK 35.

Vanderbilt Ball, 3rd and 10, UK 35, ~5:30

Freebeck picked off again because he was hit as he's thrown.  I'm done.  ESPN informs me that UK runs out the last 5 minutes.  On the throw right before Freebeck just over throws CJ Duncan.


This second half was like watching paint dry.  Cheap, crappy paint that offends you more and more with its continued presence.  TIME TO CHECK THE HET-O-METER!